Oh God! CAS’s Golden Elevators Accidentally Took Me to the Severed Floor!
Article and Photo by Lauren Matz
SECRET CAS SEVERED FLOOR– BU CDS has launched a new Macro Data Refinement major, and they don’t want you to know about it… yet.
I was studying in the CAS Think Tank the other day and decided to do a lap around the building to get the ideas flowing again. I wandered into the golden Tsai Center elevator, and next thing I knew, I was hearing a G and C# elevator tone and had no memory of the homework I was trying to get done. I felt liberated for the first time in years!
As my eyes swept the room, I took in the sterile ambience, setting my gaze on the lone cubicle with four workers clicking away on their obnoxiously large box computers. I couldn’t believe BU allocated enough money to CDS to have their own secret floor in CAS after they already opened their wallets for the massive CDS building!
“What is this? What’s going on down here?” I asked, walking over to their station.
“We’ve been hired to test out BU’s new major. All day we just… sit at these computers and sort these numbers,” one of the employees answered. I took note of their soulless eyes and knickknack-less desks and shuddered. But then I took a closer look and saw one of them was playing… Papa’s Freezeria? And another worker was just doing the Wordle.
Suddenly, a door swung open and former BU President Robert A. Brown walked in! I thought he retired! “Lauren M! Have you been sent to join our team of refiners?”
“I’m sorry we weren’t able to give you a proper orientation. Why don’t I just walk you to the Wellness Room and we can get everything sorted out?” the supervisor asked as he led me through the door. Seeing as I literally didn’t know any better, I decided to follow him.
“This is Miss Bean. She’ll be taking care of you today.” The supervisor closed the door behind him and I turned around to find A LITERAL DOG. Now of course, this was Bean, BU’s campus comfort dog, but my innie didn’t know that. And then that bitch started talking!
“Why don’t you take a seat?” Bean, the DOG, asked. “I’d like to share some facts with you about your outie. Please try to enjoy each one equally.”
This I was okay with. I’d just had my memory wiped, so I was interested to see what I get up to when I’m not trapped in the secret underground CAS (second) basement. After all, I’m narcissistic even when I have no memories.
“Your outie is in collegiate improv.” Okay. That’s lowkey hella embarrassing and not the first thing I wanted to hear… but whatever.
“Your outie makes all her friends try her concoction of Fireball and lemonade.” NOT BETTER. Somehow even in my amnesiac innie state I still knew what Fireball is and shuddered. That’s nasty, Outie Lauren.
Bean must have noticed the grimace on my face because then she said, “Please try to enjoy each fact equally, and not show preference for any over the others.” Absolutely WILD this dog is telling me what to do considering she shits on the floor.
“Your outie is a ginger… by CHOICE.” Okay, fuck this. I got right up out of my chair, stomped out of Bean’s “Wellness” Room all the way back to the cursed golden elevator. Once I got up, I knew I had been down there but none of what happened. And now I somehow had Helly R’s microbangs!
Luckily, I’m friends with a pre-med psych major so I called him up, he took me to the lab and rocked my shit, and then I could remember everything. And that was freaky.
So be warned. Beware of the Tsai Center elevators and DO NOT enroll in the MDR program… if it ever leaves the secret basement.