Noah’s Ark 2.0: BU’s Emergency Evacuations Save Only Fine Shyts

By Willa Norvell | Photo by Maddy O’Leary

Genesis 6:13-20

“And God said to Noah, 'The end of all flesh has come before Me, for the earth is filled with violence [to the eyes] through them; and behold, I will destroy them with the earth.”

At the most inconvenient time last Saturday, Warren Towers experienced a major flood of fumes: some freshmen smoked weed in their dorm and set off the fire alarm once again. Immediately, an alert was sent out for everyone to hear… well, not everyone.

Rather than blaring the fantastically loud beep to each floor, a high pitched dog whistle echoed through ancient pipes, only received by students with insane face cards and Carhartt jackets. Triggering that dog in them, the demographic of students frolicked down stairways and begrudgingly collected on Comm Lawn. Once they all gathered, confusion and chatter emerged.

“We were missing like, 95% of the inhabitants. They are just gone ig. THANK GOD.” said a Spanish minor student, with a jawline that could slice through a school issued mattress.

The most confusing part was not that a large population of Warren residents who remained uninformed, but that every person on the lawn looked fine as fuck. Every last one of them was bisexual, wearing wired headphones and more rings than they had fingers. Their hands were callused up from various athletic activities but probably mostly rock climbing, and no collared shirt was left unlayered. 

“I think the sandwich method saved me,” said a marine science student when asked why she believes she was a chosen one. 

“In this day and age, it’s actually quite sexy to hide your ankles. My jeans are always dragging so that might be what got me my ticket,” claimed an art history student.  

Unfortunately, that blunt did actually set fire to the ancient carpets of the traditional dorms, causing this event now known as 3/11 (cause there are three towers). One by one, the fine shyts recited their ABCs (but just the first three letters), calling out the names of the residences as the buildings came tumbling down. 

The main perpetrator of the smoking and dog whistle was identified a few hours later and gave a detailed statement to BU Police: “I did this because I’m a single lonely fuck with a sweet tooth for eye candy. How did the dog whistle only target them you ask? I imitated the frequency that can be found in the background in any Jeff Buckley song; I knew my baddies would answer to that siren’s call. Now that I’ve destroyed the towers and BU don’t fuck with a housing crisis, I know you bitches are gonna need a place to stay. How’s my place?”

This student shortly thereafter realized they burned down their dorm too, and they are now commuting to Questrom from the Hyatt in Rhode Island each day.

Stupid bitch. Don’t be dumb kids.

But like, lowkey, I would do that too.