“Now Wait a Damn Minute”: Making My Friends Guess Which Anonymous Bunion Articles I’ve Written About Them

By Anonymous | Photo by Lizzy Morearty

“Now wait a damn minute,” my friend says to me. Am I the “little bitch who hates gay people” in this article?

This is just one of the many similar interactions I had with my friends this past weekend when I made them play a dangerous new game: making them guess which anonymous bunion articles I wrote about them. 

See, the best part about never attaching your name to your Bunion articles is that it gives you the perfect opportunity to torment your friends. 

I have never published a bunion article under my own god-given name, partly to prevent the world from truly understanding the depraved cavity that is my mind, but mostly so that I can shit talk my friends without them knowing. You walked slow? Article. You’re in an a cappella group? Article. You complained to me about your Questrom homework that was just you drawing a picture with a crayon? Article. I’m a goddamned Taylor Swift: you mess with me, you get Bunioned. 

I finally decided it was time to reveal the secret, but only in the most annoying way possible. 

I gathered all my friends around, curated a selection of 20 Bunion articles, 5 of which were ones I had written, and told them to figure out which articles were about them. 

Chaos ensued. 

“I can’t believe you wrote about me spending $1,000 on that 3” x 3” mirror!”

“How could you write me being a pledge? The brothers are gonna find out about this and I’ll be kicked out!”

“I have blueberry-flavored lube, not strawberry!”  

“I broke into my PY 332 professor’s house, not PS 333!” 

And so on. 

I said nothing. I just sat in the corner, quietly chuckling at this glorious psychological experiment I had concocted. I saw how my friends saw themselves, saw them reveal their deepest darkest secrets while growing angrier and angrier as I refused to tell them anything. One by one, they left in defeat, and although they have not talked to me since, I believe I emerged the victor. 

Because the catch? None of the articles were about them at all.