Purge Alarm Goes Off While I Was Walking on Com Ave Blasting Ribs in My Noise Canceling Headphones

By Madi Forrest | Photo by Emily He

It was an averagely dull day on the avenue of Commonwealth. Everyone was absorbed in their shitty Spotify daily mixes and taking up space on the sidewalk in the most inconvenient ways possible. 

I looked to my left and saw some guy on an electric scooter get his shit rocked by a girl. Valid. I turn up Lorde. 

I went into the GSU and the BU academy kids were using every table and holding paintball guns. I didn’t think much of it. Maybe it’s field day or something. I don’t really think much. 

I headed towards CityCo to get a treat to enjoy in my class that started seven minutes ago. A baddie in a lululemon mom zip-up and ski mask was filling her tote with honestly anything. The vibes were just so off in there so I kept my distance. 

My class is like three hours long, so it was in my best interest to head over to Einstein Bros bagels. Maybe it was national “hit pedestrian with your car day,” but all the jaywalkers were no longer. The vibes are so weird, bro. Everyone seemed more panicked than usual. 

Rhett was standing on the Pavement roof talking to the masses. My music was too loud to hear and I still had to get a snack and get to my class in COM, so I did not pay much attention to the violence he was instigating. But from what I could understand or maybe assume, he either wanted to kill or fuck (maybe both?) Baldwin the Eagle and his listeners were in agreement.

I finally made it to Einstein Bros. Everything was free and nobody was working! Everyone was just serving themselves. Is this… communism? I kind of love it. I made my bagel and iced americano. One of the workers taking a nap on the floor in a pile of maybe ketchup didn’t seem to mind that I thrifted their hat. As I stood back up, someone wearing a graphic t-shirt that said “bitch please” and holding a fake machete asked for, well, more like demanded, my bagel. Obviously I said no, because what does he think this is? Jokingly I said, “Bitch please.” He stabbed me.