Wanted: My IUD Shanked My Uterus and Slipped Away

By Lila Sverdrup | Photo by Maddie Lam

I knew from the moment that fucker was shoved up my wrenched-open cervix that this bitch was out to get me. His name is IUD, and don’t you forget it.  Remember the face, remember the name. (And you may be wondering, how do you know it's a he? Easy, men are the cause of all women’s problems). IUD maliciously stabbed me every day, causing painful curl-up sessions for months. Every jab of the knife caused me to fall to the ground like an anvil. Hi, my name is Lila Sverdrup, and I was shanked by my IUD and then left for conception.

Some may ask, isn’t this just period-level cramping? No, this had to be the work of a pointy object, that was well-maintained and sharpened after every use; only a hardened criminal would do this. And for menstruation, I was lied to. My period just got even heavier since this dickwad entered my life (and my cervix). 

When the cramping waves eventually stopped, I thought everything was normal again and I carried on with my life. Dooo..doo..doooo…Then I got the bright idea to check for those dangling strings. As I awkwardly reached my fingers up my vagina in whatever public restroom I was in on campus (college life), my heart skipped a beat. oh shit. There were 2 possibilities. IUD shoved himself up into my uterus because he loved my body that much, or compadre abandoned me. Either way, I was fucked. 

I had never been to the BMC before, but let me tell you, don’t get on before west, because they change routes midway. Just a little tip from experience… Anyway, I got an ultrasound, and I was expecting to hear IUD clearly. There was no way he would’ve slipped away with how teeny and young I am… I was wrong. IUD left the saloon, though not without breaking a couple of bottles against the wall and wreaking havoc, but hey, at least no baby! 

I then considered the situation further. holy nuggets, there's a scandalous hoodlum roaming the BU streets. Where did he ditch me? In the Warren 4th floor bathroom? The Towers 7th floor shower. The fit rec pool? Or was he just part of a big period clot? Heavy menstrual bleeding is the leading cause of IUD expulsion… he may have hidden behind the waterfall. Sneaky little fucker.

I knew I had to warn the BU community, or at least a portion of them who have the female reproductive system… because I just knew he was out to get other gals. I reported to the BU Police who triggered their alert systems: “rampant IUD running around on the streets. Watch out, he might shank your uterus too!” 

Hi, my name is Lila Sverdrup, I am writing to tell my story, and soon, others will be too.