I’m Telling FAFSA About Some of Y’all’s Spring Break Trips

By Ogenna Oraedu | Photo by Maddy O’Leary

Puerto Rico. The Dominican Republic. Mexico. London. Egypt. Berlin. Saturn. Planet XA-23-MV8. And you have the gall and gumption to ask me to Venmo you for a $7 Uber.

And before you call me a class traitor, maybe I am one. Look at the state of our government and tell me you wouldn’t do anything to survive. If securing a job in a walkable city and living in a dainty apartment with cheap rent post-grad means telling the IRS that your mommy and daddy are lying on their taxes and have offshore bank accounts, then so be it. But how can I be a class traitor when you guys have been cosplaying as poor all semester?

“I’ve just been saving money and picking up extra shifts!” No Amber. You and your three Van Cleef bracelets have never done real labor in your life. The only reason you got that job at Artizia is because your dad threatened to cut you off after you blew a band on pit tickets for Harry Styles. It’s very easy to pocket-watch when your Instagram story shows you in a different country every break.

So yeah, I’ve been monitoring you all. I hacked into your credit statements and can see the drinks you purchased at that bar in Old San Juan. I tracked your internet usage and saw you splurge on vacation outfits. Every Instagram post? Screenshotted and filed away. FAFSA will see everything. All the souvenirs that were taken from you at TSA were sent to me for evidence. That seashell shot glass just cost you everything.

After the federal government sees where you all went this year they’ll change the name from “Free Application for Federal Student Aid” to “Fake Ass Frauds Schemers and Assholes.” Good luck applying for aid next year.