GrabHub: New BU-Exclusive Food Delivery System Encourages Stealing

By Anonymous | Photo by Lizzy Morearty

FENWAY DINING HALL— In light of recent price hikes in food costs and dining hall plans, this past Monday, Boston University announced a new exclusive campus food delivery system. GrabHub, a joint venture with Meta Platforms and Raising Cane’s, is heralded as the world’s first food delivery app to encourage stealing.

The app, which will launch at the end of this month, purposely notifies you when someone else’s order arrives at your residency. Users are then encouraged to fight to the death, with the reward being a lukewarm, delivered meal with missing utensils.

“We noticed a big trend among students,” said Frank King, product manager at Meta. “Not naming names, but some of you people place $100 orders from The Cheesecake Factory and let it rot overnight. We had to put a stop to it.”

According to a company-wide design document obtained by The Bunion, much of GrabHub’s ideas were inspired by the Cornucopia bloodbath sequence of The Hunger Games, also taking elements from Battle Royale and Squid Game.

“It’s dangerous out there. I lost my best friend over a $7 Taco Bell Luxe Cravings Box,” Tommy Chaplin, COM ‘27, said tearfully.

GrabHub will also selectively target stoner students and send them a higher volume of notifications than normal. 64% of sales on GrabHub, and unclaimed deathmatches, are expected to come from students who frequently smoke marijuana (the other 36% being drunk students).

“When I was a student at BU, I could have only dreamed of such a wonderful dining initiative at the school. As Nietzsche said, ‘The weak and the botched shall perish,’” said Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, CAS ‘11.