Double Majoring in Lust and Gluttony: Going Back For Seconds in the Dining Hall
One of the most common icebreaker questions in college is: “What’s your major?” It’s a lovely question that helps facilitate discussion and conversation. However, when it comes to me, it only brings up anguish and embarrassment. For when people ask me, my answer is sadly double majoring in Lust and Gluttony.
As a Lust major, we have to have heart eyes at every single person we’ve ever seen. Professors, RAs, TAs, Human Men, etc. Required classes include Lust I, Lust II, Lust III, and Masturbation From Afar. Other common classes that some lust majors take are Gooning 240, Longful Staring 101, and Dreaming Of What Could Be But Never Will Be Because You Are Secretly A Dinosaur From The Past In Human Skin That Goes By The Name Doran Steinfeld And Once People Find Out The Truth They Will Never Want To Fuck You 101.
As a Gluttony major, we have to stuff our greedy faces with a shitfuck amount of food that would even make a food lover (like my friend Olga Syphil) say, “Wow! That’s a shitfuck amount of food that would even make someone like me say, ‘wow! That’s a shitfuck amount of food!’” Required classes include Gluttony I, Gluttony I.V, Gluttony II, and surprisingly, Masturbation From Afar as well. Other common classes that some gluttony majors take are Gluttoning as a Celiac, Going Back For Seconds in the Dining Halls, and CAS CS 332.
As a Lust and Gluttony double major with Celiac Disease, I honestly cannot finish this article, as I must return to the gluten-free station for the 8th time to get a measly single slice of small fuck-ass pizza on a tiny non-microwave-safe plate. Except - oh wait! They never have pizza and also take ages to restock the pantry, so I will be switching my majors to Pressed and DoorDasher. Interestingly enough, both majors also require the course Masturbation From Afar.