POV: You Approach The Frat Guy Who Follows His Girlfriend To Her Lectures (Horrifying)

By Charlotte Tolman

CGS — If the sulfuric smells weren't awful enough for you, just wait until you see some man who resembles a sickly slenderman with a hygiene issue following his girlfriend to her lectures. His girlfriend, alias Peggy (yeah, that’s an awful name) told The Bunion that she didn’t even ask him to come.

“But I feel protected when he’s there,” Peggy added, trying to make it seem like she’s in a loving relationship.

Protected from who? BU students? Rhett? I hope she remembers that multiple students were gullible enough to give away thousands of dollars over the phone and that one drives a Pink G-Wagon. So yeah, don’t worry. Except maybe for the scooter riders…

One good look at this man, and it was clear that he would not be providing any protection, as he had the frame of someone whose body gave out 2 minutes into his frat’s hazing ritual. Anyway, he was perched in the CGS hallway, ready to pounce.

According to his roommate, Slenderman, had Peggy’s whole schedule memorized, you know, like a stalker. Roommate Josh explained that he would stare at it, then recite the room, date, and time out loud.

This dude had Peggy’s whole schedule memorized,” said Slenderman’s roommate, Josh. “He’d stare at it, then recite the room, date, and time out loud. I packed my shit and got out of there.”

When Peggy got off the CGS elevator with her friends, Slenderman pushed all of them to the ground, put his arm around Peggy’s shoulders, and whisked her away. Peggy’s friends declined to comment, as multiple of them had teeth missing.

My friends aren't that important,” said Peggy. “I only met them three weeks ago and still don’t know any of their names.”

Ah, CGS, you gotta love it.

Since Peggy is his first girlfriend ever, Slenderman feels the need to overcompensate in every way possible. In lectures, he was overheard saying, “You seem like a bit of an anomaly, has anyone told you that before?” He also said the dreaded words “You are the only person who’s ever made me feel this way.” God, don’t fall for it, Peggy!… But, she’s in CGS. So obviously, she did.

Even though he looked like a drowned rat, everything about his personality screamed frat boy. He often would ask whoever was next to him for the notes. The girl with the notes told us that she started “giving him her high school history class notes.” This is because he encouraged his girlfriend to play 2048 and online shop to “entertain him” during her lectures. He had a frat accent, which meant he sounded like a loud, hoarse, Canadian who hadn’t had a sip of water in 5 months. Whenever she felt tired, he offered her a sip of his special BORG that was the only thing in his backpack. It had 3 cans of Celsius, kool-aid, half a bottle of vodka, two Zolofts, and mashed-up crystal meth. Let’s just say, she beat 2048 four separate times in an hour.

After the first two weeks of lectures, The Bunion got word that Slenderman and Peggy had broken up. While he was overly attached in daylight, once the sun’s down, no frat man can be trusted. Even worse, Slenderman turned into a zombie-like monster during these late hours. With half-shut eyes and a stained t-shirt, he immediately lost all sense of personal space and conjured himself right onto a new girl.

“Flirting for a frat man usually means a line of a thousand dumb questions,” said a bystander who wished to remain anonymous (it was President Brown, making his first return on campus since retirement).

And the conversation with this poor, poor, girl was exactly that. He asked if she wanted to go back to his place, knowing damn well it was the sticky, alcohol-stained, rotting bedroom upstairs. She moved away quickly, and he asked, “Why do you keep running away from me? I’m just trying to be a nice guy!” She went farther away. Then, he grew angrier, yelling, “Why don’t you fuck with me! I got so much going for me! I can cook a pizza from scratch!” The girl pelted her cup of vodka at him, effectively knocking his skinny, wilted body to the ground.

“Their conversation smelt like sunny-d and vodka,” said another girl.

Fortunately, CGS never saw Slenderman at another lecture again. But, sources report that a new frat boy was seen following his girlfriend to her SS101 lecture. The cycle never fails to repeat itself.