New Hobby Alert! Funneling the Water From Warren Dining Ceilings Into Unattended Cups

By Sadie S. | Photo by Maddie Lam

From escalator detours to leaky ceilings, Warren Towers has long been a decrepit and miserable place. Despite that, the structure is probably the LEAST miserable thing about this Hell on Earth. Much like the titular Batman in The Batman (2022), I feel that there’s always “something in the way” of having a good experience in Warren— and that’s the people. And just like Bruce Wayne, I’ve recently decided to deliver some vigilante justice to the ne’er do wells of the Warren Dining Hall. 

How do I teach them a lesson? It’s obvious, really. Lurking in plain sight, my weapons of choice are those tubes in the ceilings that take the mysterious 4th floor roof liquid out of sight, and as far as maintenance is concerned, out of mind. 

What’s that I hear? Someone scrolling through boring ass Instagram Reels without headphones? When they leave to get a bowl of soft serve with an uncomfortable amount of rainbow sprinkles, I’ll grab the nearest tube and strike. 

An entire acapella group sits at the table next to me, “discreetly” humming a verse of their new Chappell Roan arrangement? Hope they like their ceiling juice H-O-T-T-O-G-O.

And what’s this? Someone left a pile of plates for the dining hall workers to clean up? Well lucky me, they also left their Stanley, and will have a nice surprise (ceiling water) greeting them when they come back for it.

Someone sitting across from me whips out an ambrosial Canes Box Combo? My hungry ass can’t stand for that. Seething with jealousy as I nibble on the same sandwich I’ve ordered every day this week, I’ll run over, funnel some ceiling juice in their sweet tea, and snag a bite of their Texas toast as I make my exit. 

Oh, and the most egregious of all– Someone hogging a booth during the lunch rush to study. Not a plate, not a cup, not a problem. Their USB-C port sure seems thirsty.

Whether imagining myself as Robert Pattinson, Christian Bale, or Lego Batman himself, my heroic dining hall deeds will alwa— oh no. From across the room, I’ve just spotted the Widdler (Warren Riddler) asking unsuspecting freshmen to vote him into Student Government. Time to serve up some vengeance.