Mission Impossible: Finding Melanin-Deficient Roommate in Sea of White

By A Blind Bat | Photo by Lizzy Morearty

It’s not my fault I can’t find him.

My roommate, I’m talking about my roommate. Everyday I go back to my concrete walls, but my relaxation is interrupted by his cries and complaints that I ignore him in public while “staring right at him.” Now, who wants to hear that after a long and stressful day of one class? Maybe I should purposely ignore him (he’s really annoying). It’s not a hard feat; we go to school in Boston and he’ll easily be lost in the Sea of White.

In a daring quest for some peace and quiet when I get home, I enlisted the help of my trusty senses (they’re not so reliable, ngl). I set out to find Melanin-Deficit Roommate in an ocean of white faces that seemed to blanket my search. 

On Day 1, I thought I saw him from behind and gave Melanin-Deficit Roommate a nice slap on the ass. Turns out it was a very confused and offended first-year. “Lol, my bad, y’all all look the same…girl, you got a nice ass, though.” Maybe it was time to get a new glasses prescription…eh, no matter! I have binoculars!!

On Day 2, I tried my safari cosplay and left a trail of crackers for Polly (Melanin-Deficit Roommate) to find. I readied my binoculars but hoards of backward snapbacks and Uggs blocked my line of vision. By the time they cleared, all the crackers were gone (people and snacks alike), and I was left alone with binoculars that saw nothing but lost hope and broken dreams.

On Day 3, Boston was met with rain. It wasn’t more than a sprinkle, but it was enough to leave the air smelling of pennies and nickels, drowning out Melanin-Deficit Roommate’s AXE Body Spray. I couldn’t rely on my sense of smell on sunny days either; Melanin-Deficit Roommate’s lack of daily hygiene was easily confused with BU’s own, Bean, and with rotting garbage in the South alleys.

Day 4, I tried licking a few pale arms, but they all tasted the same: like ass (not complaining), but I couldn’t differentiate between them and Melanin-Deficit Roommate. I began to realize I might need a new strategy. I tried playing Melanin-Deficit Roommate’s favorite songs in hope that it would spawn him next to me like a beacon. There was nothing Melanin-Deficit Roommate loved more than asking for the pass to rap along to Kendrick and Drake (he’s open to both sides of the beef and I respect that). I tried some of his favorite buzzwords like “white power (joke),” “no taxation without representation,” and “study abroad in Europe.” All efforts were fruitful and I was left with the realization that I would never find Melanin-Deficit Roommate out in the Sea and be forced to endure his white whines.

Disclaimer:  I need a new roommate, one that I can easily spot in the Sea of White without straining my vision, hurting my nose, or killing my taste buds. If anyone reading this has a BBB (Black, Bi, Beautiful) roommate they want to abandon without seeming racist, point them to this article! Melanin-Deficient Roommate will be fine, don’t worry about him (he’s got a house in the Cape).