CFA Student Caught Jerking Off in Lecture, Claims It Was “Performance Art”

By Anonymous | Photo by Tara Mullaney

Chaos ensued in a College of Fine Arts lecture hall on Tuesday when sophomore visual arts major, Barry McCockiner, was caught artistically stroking his phallus during a discussion on Jackson Pollock’s contribution to modern art. Eye witness reports have confirmed that McCockiner maintained unwavering eye contact with the professor as he worked aggressively to squeeze the paint out of his own paintbrush. Later defending his actions, McCockiner claimed he was creating a “live-action drip painting” as homage to Pollock. Professor Hugh Janus stated that he was disturbed but appreciated McCockiner’s “avant-garde” piece, commenting that he was ecstatic about the levels of “excitement” his students generated with their work. 

“I get it,” said fellow CFA student Anita Handjobe. “Art is about passion and self-exploration. But maybe not during a 9AM lecture.” Ultimately, McCockiner received an A- on his work because Mr. Janus explained that “it looked more like a drip than a splash.” Despite the controversy, McCockiner insists that he plans to “prepare for maximum performance” for his next masterpiece, commenting “I won’t stop till the last drop.” The piece has received immense praise and BU’s president, Melissa L. Gilliam, has purchased the painting for $69 million from BU's annual budget. “We’re investing in the future of art,” she insisted. “What’s important is the expression, and Barry truly expressed himself.” 

As for McCockiner, he’s already planning his next performance art, promising to bring even more vigor and energy to his work. “You’ve ain't seen nothing yet,” he said with a grin. “Get ready for my next explosion.” His work proves that art is not artificial, but instead comes out of people naturally. 

Rumors suggest his next project may be inspired by Michelangelo’s Creation of Adam, though many fear it will involve significantly more self-touching and significantly fewer Sistine Chapels. Whatever it may be, McCockiner insists he will keep pushing the boundaries of artistic expression. As he put it, “Great artists don’t just stroke their egos—they stroke everything.”