I’m Not Staring at You I’m Trying to Figure Out if You Have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome

By Annabel Friedman | Photo by Maddy O’Leary

Multiple reports have been made around campus about Rhett looking at them with a lead paint stare, seeing into the souls of BU students, those coming forward seemingly sharing some… physical characteristics. The beloved mascot has been seen much more often around campus, usually standing with a blank stare, scanning students studying in the GSU with a concerning curiosity among the blankness of his furry complexion.

“I can explain, and I’m more than willing to share my findings,” Rhett explained, “It’s a bit of research I do in my spare time. When walking down Comm Ave, I kept noticing students and thinking to myself, Hmm. Something isn’t right here. It’s just a vibe. There’s something up.” 

According to Rhett, besides the more common areas to find them on campus (West dining hall, the Questrom lobby), many were also being spotted in the lazy river at the fit rec and parking lot on central.

At hockey games and basketball games, many students began to notice him staring at them just a bit too long. At one particular lacrosse scrimmage, many fans were offended by his prolonged pauses to look at them. “[He] was breathing down my neck the entire quarter,” one student recalled, “I could smell his dog breath, I couldn’t figure out what he was doing, like shouldn’t you be cheering or something?” 

“Yeah, I remember her,” Rhett recalled, “I couldn’t get her out of my head, so eventually I had to ask, ‘Did your mom like her martinis?’ She didn't respond, but I could tell.”

Administration began an investigation to try and figure out which mascot was to blame, but none of them matched the description. “We are not quite sure who this guy is, we were not even supposed to have a mascot at that game. It was a scrimmage, it wasn’t even on Nickerson, there weren’t supposed to be any people there.” 

After weeks of tormenting students, Rhett was arrested and brought into custody, where BU police tried to reveal his identity, but realized that it was not a mascot costume at all. [add something] In a Tusk-like fashion, this man became a humanoid dog suit, his identity now trapped in the fibers of the fake fur.