Treating Papa’s Freezeria Like I’m in The Bear and Other Things I Do During My 3-Hour Lecture
By Sadie S. | Photo by Lizzy Morearty
Oh, the dreaded 3-hour-long night lectures. A favorite of COM professors and sociopaths alike, I have lived to regret every single one I’ve taken. From taking 15 ‘smash or pass’ Uquizzes to finding classmates’ grandparents on Facebook, I’ve tried everything to make these classes more entertaining. Through my extensive research, I’ve concluded that nothing passes the time quite like treating Papa’s Freezeria like you’re in The Bear.
In this post-Adobe Flash world, Cool Math Games isn’t what it used to be. The final bastion of hope, in such times of need, will always be Papa’s games. And when combined with the final bastion of hope in MY times of need, Ayo Edebiri? You can’t go wrong.
Your classmates in Modern Art Studies are studying kitsch? Get your digital ass in the Kitsch-en.
Your classmates in Transcendentalist Literature are reading Henry David Thoreau? Sorry, you’re busy with Jeremy Allen White.
Your classmates in HUB Astronomy are studying the stars? Well, tell that to Jamie Lee Curtis, Bob Odenkirk, John Mulaney, Olivia Colman, Will Poulter, Sarah Paulson, Molly Ringwald, John Cena, et al.
With this enlightened approach to class, the hours will pass you by just like Carmy’s relationship with Sydney (she’s too good for him).
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE DON’T HAVE MONEY FOR THE ICE CREAM MACHINE UPGRADE? THAT FRENCH ASS FOOD CRITIC IS COMING ANY FUCKING DAY NOW, AND WE HAVEN’T EVEN UNLOCKED THE AUTO ICE CREAM MACHINE? WE HAVE ONE DAY TO MAKE ENOUGH TO TURN THIS PLACE INTO A RESPECTABLE FUCKING INSTITUTION. ONE. DAY. AND YOU CAN’T EVEN TIME YOUR BLENDERS?”
“I NEED HANDS. HANDS!!! WE HAVE 16 ORDERS AND ONE FUCKING WORKER. WHY DO WE HAVE ONE FUCKING WORKER? NO SERIOUSLY, IS THIS NOT INCREDIBLY ABUSIVE AND UNREALISTIC TO THE SERVICE INDUSTRY?”
And when Papa’s gets frustrating and you feel the urge to lock in, treating the class itself like The Bear is just as effective.
Peer review this essay? YES CHEF.
“CAN I GET THE AP STYLE GUIDE? CAN SOMEONE FUCKING BRING ME THE AP STYLE GUIDE, AND A STAPLER, AND A SHARPIE THAT FUCKING WORKS!!!!!!! YOU CALL THIS WRITING? THIS FUCKING GARBAGE? START OVER. WHAT? I SAID START OVER!!!!! A GODDAMN TODDLER COULD DRAFT A BETTER ESSAY. START OVER!!! GO TO AMSTERDAM!!! NEVER FUCKING COME BACK!!!”
Need to cram a semester’s worth of readings into a 15 minute review period? Lock in and LET IT RIP.
“NO CHEF, I DON’T HAVE A FUCKING MACBOOK CHARGER YOU CAN BORROW.
Waitwaitwaitwhatthefuck?? IS THE WIFI FUCKING DOWN??? NONONONO GUYS I CAN’T DO THIS!!!”
If you look at the clock, see you still have an hour left, and are really desperate, you can go the “tragic backstory” route. While I haven’t been driven to it yet, it will no doubt happen within the next three months. Your brother died, and left his BU education to you in his will. Are you really going to let this professor fail you for “not having turned anything in?” Carmy would not let that shit slide, and neither should you.
Okay, article over… I have to go. There’s still 45 minutes of class left and the stakes are too low, time to pretend I’ve just gotten stabbed during a dinner rush.