A Dog in the Bed and Already Red: 10 Reasons Sue Sylvester Should Be BU’s Next President
By Cam Hoff | Photo by Tejas Rama
These are two facts:
-I don’t know who BU’s president is and
-I watched Glee in eighth grade.
Now, do these two facts tell us anything? To you… no, probably not. But here’s the thing: I'm me and you’re you, I’m smart and you’re dumb, I’m healthy and attractive and you’re ugly and ill. So listen up f-slur, I’m only going to explain this once.
Now, in Eighth grade I stumbled upon a show called Glee. A blond woman appeared on my screen and instantly became my mother. I chopped my biological one up and took the blond woman as my single gospel, my single truth. That’s my mother right there. And my mother? Well, she made me realize my worth.
That blond woman? My Mother? Sue Sylvester.
But what does this have to do with BU’s president? Well, I do not know who BU’s president is. Does anyone know who BU’s president is? Hmm… I think not. They keep changing it and changing it, how can anyone keep up? It’s too confusing! Frankly, Cam Hoff (me) is upset and I (Cam Hoff) don’t want to be upset anymore. The solution?
Hire Sue Sylvester as BU’s President
What? You don’t think this is a good idea? You think she’s just going to fund sports and destroy the arts? Well not to burst your bubble, BU is already doing that. Sue Sylvester would fix every single problem BU has. Sue Sylvester would care for her students. Sue Sylvester… would mother. Now I realize lesser minded f-slurs like you might need a bit more convincing. So, without further ado, here are ten reasons why Sue Sylvester should be BU’s next president.
Sue Sylvester doesn’t like Glee club or Show choirs!
Perfect! She might finally rid this campus of the horror that is acapella!
Sue Sylvester is alright with gay people!
With evidence of her shipping of Klaine and helping Britanna (RIP Naya <3) at their wedding it’s safe to say she would be agreeable to any LBTGQ+ on campus. And… I think that’s fine!
Sue Slyvester is experienced!
From running Glee clubs, to coaching national-winning Cheerleading teams, or even being Vice President of the United States, Sue Sylvester has done it all. She is a woman of many faces and a woman of many talents.
Sue Sylvester can sing!
COME ON! f-slur VOGUE!
To put it simply, Sue Slyvester fucks.
Sue Sylvester’s body is a magnet and every man knows it. No, let me rephrase, everyBODY knows it. Her sex appeal and charisma will help her orchestrate deals and success for BU.
Sue Slyvester already has an iconic color and guess what? It’s red.
Did you know that BU’s colors are red and white? Sue Slyvester wears red obsessively. Is this fate? Yes.
Sue Sylvester knows about finances.
Sue Sylvester would get BU back on track, no more wasting money on new buildings or not paying their grad students. She will make sure the money goes to important things, like providing students with unlimited saltines.
Will Scheuster would become BU’s new mascot.
Anyone in their right mind would hate Will Scheuster. This man deserves a dehumanizing punishment. He needs to know he’s nothing more than a dog. Sue Sylvester would make this happen!
Sue Sylvester has a wit sharper than cheddar.
Sue Sylvester is the master of insults. Her ability to rip people apart can and will be used in negotiations. Her opponents will quake in fear.
That’s my mother right there.
“That’s my mother right there…
That’s my mother right there.”
Here is where one would typically write a conclusion. But honestly, I don’t want to, these previous ten reasons should be evidence enough! Use your head BU! Hire Sue Sylvester as your next president… or else.