The Most Annoying Person You Know Is Trying To Sell You an AMC Membership (It’s Me)

By Mirna Benavente | Photo by Yara Ahmed

It was a happy day, a normal day, when I decided to sign up for a movie membership. As a college freshman in a new city, I needed a way to pass the time. And what better than watching movies?! When I concluded my research on movie theater chain memberships, one soared above all others: AMC. Reading their website, it sounded perfect! And if I didn't like it, I could simply cancel it and move on with my life. With that in mind, I put in my card information and joined the family!

Yet, I wish I could say that’s where it ended. But by signing up to join their so-called “family,” I found their— no, her— doctrine being pushed farther into my mind. There was no way to fight it; I didn’t know it at the time, but I was beginning to be controlled by her. But that wasn’t where it ended. She pretended to be me and talked about this love for AMC. She controlled my every movement and every word.

And in doing so, we go around and find the nearest person and give the spiel that every person with an AMC A-List Stubs membership is required to give. That’s right, I said required. While you’re out there calling me “obsessed” and “annoying” and a “loser virgin,” you’re making fun of someone who can’t control it. The sleeper agent inside of me awoke when I hit enter over 3 years ago.

I’m not in control of my own body, my mouth, when I utter the phrases you oh-so-hate me for saying. “You can watch up to 3 free movies a week!” That’s true. And a typical month has 4 weeks, so that’s 12 movies a month. And while it is a good deal, I’m not the one saying it. She is. “In any format!” That’s also true, but help me wake up, please! I’ve been stuck watching movies exclusively in IMAX and my ears hurt.

“Free size upgrades!” A single person does not need a large popcorn every time they go to the theater. “And you get a free large popcorn and large drink for your birthday!” I JUST SAID A SINGLE PERSON DOES NOT NEED A LARGE POPCORN FOR THEMSELVES. I’m sobbing, knowing that I will inevitably have to spend my birthday at the nearest AMC to continue the facade of happiness. I just want to see my family.

“Waived fees for online purchases!” Most people buy their tickets in advance so you won’t have to battle it out for seats, no extra cost. Oh, except for your SOUL. I don’t even know who I was before my AMC A-List Stubs membership.

And here comes the killer, the saying of all sayings. “It pays for itself after 2 trips!” WE KNOW HOW MATH WORKS. “If you go to the movies as little as twice, you’ve gotten your money’s worth, ha ha.” The world doesn’t know that I’m trapped. I’ve yet to say a single lie about the AMC A-List Stubs membership, but they’re not my truths. I am friendless, bitchless, because I can only spend my free time either at AMC, or talking about the AMC A-List Stubs membership.

Yet all my begs to the outside world are fruitless. No one can hear you scream once you’re in the sunken place. They just think I really fucking love AMC. The only way I’ve ever heard of someone breaking the mind control is to convince others to join AMC A-List Stubs. But no matter how many times they’re told of all the splendid benefits AMC provides, they never sign up.