Got His Ass! King Charles Has Prostate Cancer 😔

By Ogenna Oraedu | Photo by Tara Mullaney

I’m pretty sure Lady Di is having a field day in heaven. Meghan Markle’s prayers finally paid off. And Trisha Paytas is planning her gender reveal party for the day King Charles’s prostate decides to fuck his shit up for good.

I remember when his daddy died… and when his mama died… and the glee I felt when I heard the news. But for some reason, I can’t help but feel a little bad for poor King Chuck. I mean, think about it: If I spent the majority of my life getting groomed and prepped for the throne only to have my mom be the longest-ruling monarch in history, I wasn’t the favorite child of either of my parents, my ex-wife is still more beloved than me even after her death, my sons hate me, and I got caught saying I wanted to be my current wife’s tampon over the phone, I’d be pretty bummed to find out that I got ass cancer once I got the crown.

But maybe the cancer is actually just a build-up of all the negative vibes from the Institution and his rich boy trauma. All the ass-kissing caused a growth in his ass. Or maybe his prostate grew tired of being ignored. It’s always “I want to be Camila’s tampon” and never “I want to be Charles’s tampon.” Camila would never stick something up His Royal Highness's ass, and his swollen fingers could never reach the bundle of nerves, so now the rest of his body has to pay the price. 

Maybe let’s have a little sympathy for ‘ol Charlie boy. Remember, his son left the family and married a woman who passes the paper bag test with flying colors. He could’ve had grandchildren who were colored. Or at least grandchildren with curlier hair than the rest of the family. His subjects hate him, the British government is turning to shit, and he may die because of ass cancer. Everyone knows that’s the least noble way to go out. So let’s keep him in our prayers, and hope that he doesn’t come back as Elvis (Trisha Paytas’s unborn baby). I mean come on. It’s ass cancer.