Loser Virgins Still Believe the Condom Fairy is Real

By Kai Farr

BOSTON - A fake news epidemic is sweeping the College of Engineering Class of 2027 as countless freshmen have reported that they still fully believe in the mythological SHS creature: the Condom Fairy. 

“These kids are leaving used condoms underneath their pillows and expecting a fresh one to be there in the morning,” said Warren Towers RA Mike Shores.

The Condom Fairy is a Student Health Services program originally created to encourage safe sex but has become a figurehead for many BU students, particularly the virgin community. 

“It’s clear that none of these kids are getting any action,” said Shores. “I think it’s more of a metaphor for them, kind of a way to manifest.”

SHS intended to provide sex supplies to all of BU but has reportedly been sending 95% of their items to just a handful of students.

“We just can’t handle the intense demand,” said SHS representative Tara McRow. “Like, we love that the system is working, but I’m worried that these individuals are just putting the condoms on and then not even doing anything.”

Freddy Meyers, one of the alleged serial users, is insistent that the condoms go to good use. “I go through soooo many condoms every day,” said Meyers (ENG 27). “That poor condom fairy has gotta be working overtime for me!”

When asked to demonstrate how to put a condom on a banana, Meyers sloppily layered three Magnums on top of each other and emptied an entire container of lube onto the fruit. He was stopped when he began trying to peel the fruit to show the "circumcised version."

Until a new solution can be found to this epidemic, SHS has asked roommates of these students to serve as stand-ins for the fairy, paying them in Dining Points to replace the dirty condoms under the pillow of each ENG student with fresh ones while they sleep. 

“I’m supposed to be at one of the best universities in the country, why the fuck am I touching some other dude’s condoms every night?” said roommate Jimmy Taylor (CAS 27). “Just flush them down the toilet and say the Jizz Sewer Monster is taking them or something.”

BU Facilities, however, is concerned that this new technique could lead to irreparable damage to the university drainage system. 

“Those condoms are made for one pipe, and one pipe only: the skin pipe. Keep that shit out of our drains,” said BU custodian, Hank Feck. 

SHS plans to host an intervention for the students, but we all know that as soon as they actually have sex, they’ll realize rawdogging it is the only way to go.