RHETT REPLACED BY WHITE LEGACY ADMISSION

By: Ava Doyle

Step aside, Rhett. This month Boston University introduced the new “top dog” on campus, Bean. BU has decided to replace its beloved terrier mascot with a white golden retriever. “We just needed to make some room for a new face on campus,” said BU admissions, declining to comment on whether Bean's family’s “golden” donation of $924,000,000 influenced their decision.

Rumors are circulating about a potential “golden retriever privilege” agenda. Critics argue that the move had more to do with Bean’s fur color than any genuine commitment to inclusivity. We caught up with Bean, who was chain-smoking cigarettes outside of Questrom. When asked about the decision possibly being influenced by misguided breed superiority, she replied “My cousin dated a terrier a couple years back, I don’t know what narrative you’re trying to push.”

Bean is the fourth generation of golden retrievers in her family to attend Boston University. Her father, Fido (Questrom ‘94), says he “couldn’t be prouder.” Bean comes from a long line of success. Her father inherited the family business, becoming CEO of Milk-Bone, as well as being a 40% shareholder in Temu.

Sources within BU Housing are saying Bean will be given an entire floor of Stuvi 2. This is in sharp contrast to Rhett, who lived his years as mascot in a dumpster behind Agganis. Rhett has held his position for over 100 years. Is nothing sacred? Sure, he struck and killed that kid on a scooter a couple years back, but we had all forgiven him. Rhett did not take the news well. When asked about his feelings on the issue, he replied “I’m trying to stay…..pawsitive,” and then fell to his knees and sobbed.

Rhett made an appearance Thursday night at Tavern In The Square (TITS). What started with students cheering him on, as he did shot after shot, swiftly diminished into silence. Onlooker Mike Hawk described the scene, “He was just throwin ‘em back... and then it got sad.” Rhett was then seen stumbling up to the karaoke mic for a hammered rendition of “Who Let the Dogs Out,” where he proceeded to sob into the mic for the entire duration of the song.

Rhett will be placed on leave and is already on the job search. Rumors are saying he could possibly accept a job at Six Flags.