Gay Son AND Thot Daughter: BU Announces New Gender Neutral Housing Plan

By: Ian Krockel

WARREN TOWERS – The BU President has announced a new gender-neutral housing plan this Thursday that is, as Fox News has described it, a “big win for the girls and gays.”

A new housing system has been designed for the upcoming Fall 2024 semester that uses an algorithm designed exclusively to pair gay men and straight, sex-positive women together. The duos will be placed together in apartment-style dorms on the aptly-renamed Gay State Rd.

The algorithm, designed by unpaid CS majors living inside of CDS, has a 99.8% success rate of detecting, professionally speaking, gay sons and thot daughters. The interface asks for proof of gayness/thot-ness, such as the presence of a shirtless mirror picture on a dating app, or if the user has Snapchat installed on their phone.

“We’re really excited about this,” says Grace Pushel, a recent BU admit for the class of 2028 along with her long-time gay best friend Gabriel Wharfton. “We’ve been friends since we walked the mile together in PE in middle school… and when we failed PE together in middle school,” added Wharfton.

The two plan to live together in a double on 70 Gay State Rd., however, have yet to create a schedule to avoid conflict with their living habits, including casual hookups with the same guys. To combat this, BU Vending Services will be providing Rent-A-Twinks®, intended to prevent any time-based errors with overlapping tastes in men.

The rooms are set to be pre-furnished with posters of music bands you’ve reportedly “never heard of” (it’s just Boygenius), and one BU-issued vanity table with good lighting, just so that each pair of equally self-obsessed roommates can fight over it while getting ready. Additionally, each common room is set to have a flatscreen TV installed playing RuPaul’s Drag Race 24 hours a day, with no control or adjustments to volume possible.

Non-binary and genderfluid students will also be eligible for the new on-campus housing and will have the option to indicate which type they align best with (or explain how they identify with both). “We believe being born a gay son or thot daughter is absolutely on a spectrum that exists beyond birth sex, those ‘theys’ know what’s up,” an official BU press release explained. “It’s just a vibe, you know?” the press release added.

“I think it’s absolutely disgusting and unnatural,” said Luca Master-di Baieter (QST ‘27), when asked about his opinions on gluten-free pasta. “But the new housing thing sounds pretty cool.” 

“Do you know where I can sign up for that Rent-A-Twink® thing?” he asked.