Homophone Joins BU Outing Club and Discovers It’s Not What He Thought

By Anonymous

Jared (QST ‘27) is “a little bitch who hates gay people” (the people who know him’s words, not mine). It is unknown why Jared hates gay people so much, especially when anonymous sources confirm that Jared has made out with his guy best friend while drunk on multiple occasions.

Since coming to BU, Jared has been “frightened and appalled” by the amount of gays he’s encountered. So, you can imagine his exuberance when, while wandering the chaos of Splash, he stumbled across a beacon of hope: the BU Outing Club.  

“I was siked” says Jared about his discovery. “A club where we go around outing gay people? And they had a sign that said ‘we do it in the woods?’ Let me cook. I signed up right then and there.”

You can imagine Jared's surprise and chagrin when he walked into the first BUOC last Monday and the e-board started talking about the group’s next trip to Waterville Valley. “I was like, ‘are we gonna start with gays while we’re skiing? Like we’re just gonna be going down the hill, yell ‘YOU'RE GAY’ at a gay, and then ski away??” (the second question mark is actually part of the direct quote). 

But, as the meeting continued, Jared slowly started to realize that BUOC was a club about going hiking, skiing, climbing, etc. You know, like what any normal person would think when they heard about an outing club, but it goes to show the power of homophones. “As soon as I realized what was going on, I stormed out of there in an outrage.” 

Jared has not gone back since, but he says he’s suing “those gay ****** ******   ******” at BUOC for the “emotional damage” the club caused him. It’s unknown how the case will hold up in court, but it is certain that Jared is still a little bitch.