Ah! No more Elf on the Shelf, It's Time for Christmas Gimp
By: Truck Schachtman
Listen, the year 2024 is just around the corner, and let’s be honest– elves on the shelves are getting a bit…drab. Kids these days are more focused on their Fortnite wins or coding new Minecraft Mods than they are on a little twink hiding among their cereal bowls. It’s high time for a rebrand, and this version, well, it’s fun for the whole family. Introducing: the Christmas Gimp, a one of a kind present that’s sure to spice up your Christmas morning with Grandma. Christmas Gimps come in all shapes and sizes, just like your family! And while a black clad Gimp may be traditional, your Christmas Gimp’s latex suit is fully customizable. Why not try pink for a Barbie vibe? Or maybe white, to let your neighbors know your home is truly having a white Christmas.
No matter what color you choose, your new christmas companion is fitted with everything you may need this holiday season: a babysitter for your aunt’s rowdy kids, an extra pair of leather-clad hands in the kitchen when the mess gets a little too hot to handle, even a dog walker, a family driver, or a stand in santa for your child's Christmas parties. A Christmas, (or non-denominational) Gimp fits into any familial setting! And of course, can also take on the role of an Elf on the Shelf if your kids still like the classics. Just tell your Gimp to “sit” and “stay” and they’ll be happy to make themselves at home in a fridge, or on a shelf, or even under your kid’s bed at night! Christmas Gimps are a load of fun for the holidays, and a great conversation starter! Take your Gimp to Uncle Jim's holiday get-to-gether, and instead of comments on Jim’s new 24 year old girlfriend, everyone will be talking about your new fashionable Gimp! You owe us one Jim!
As pack bonded creatures, your new Gimp can provide instant companionship for your children, and will even keep them safe during a house fire, home invasion, or earthquake. Think of your Gimp like a highly intelligent pet, but better. Your gimp is devoted to your family and its needs as soon as you bring it home, and has an expected life span of 80 years. This makes Gimps generational! Someday your kids may be passing down the family Gimp to your grandkids, and their kids too! There’s nothing that beats tradition during the holidays, and as long as your Gimp gets plenty of exercise and appreciation, they’ll be your family's loyal companions for a longgggg time to come.
So why wait? Find a locally sourced Christmas Gimp today at your local Walmart or Target and prepare for a holiday you’ll never forget!