PSA to All Classroom Texters: If You’re Typing, I’m Reading

In this world you are either a texter or a reader; I’m the only one brave enough to shine light on this phenomenon. Lectures can get boring sometimes, and that’s okay. We’ve all had to show up at one point or another just for the attendance point. In these dire circumstances, we are forced to find our own entertainment. 

When the clock strikes nine and there’s still an hour left of class, I find my eyes glazing over as my prof makes his fifth mid-life crisis joke (he’s visibly past mid-life) and his voice seems to be in slow-motion as he reads each word off the slide already posted on blackboard. I will find my entertainment to get through this. 

My eyes first shift to the guy diagonally on my left. He’s actively breaking up with his four-year-long situationship, and it’s not going well. I tear my eyes away from the unfolding drama to look at his neighbor on my right. A Reddit moderator, hastily scrolling his incel forms for answers to all life’s mysteries (he can’t find a girlfriend or manage to maintain any human contact, but actively only refers to women as “females”). Before I can begin to feel my entire spirit collapse in on itself, I tune back into the breakup – all while admiring the duality of man. 

To defend myself and my brothers in arms, I will refer to the shepherd of morality. The wise words of George Santos (pls stop buying his cameos guys he's still a bad person even though he's gay now), “sue me for having a life.” 

In all honesty, I am tired of being shamed. I deserve to live my truth. I can’t be the bad guy for reading the size 100 font texts on your screen. You don’t get to side-eye me or turn your screen away. I deserve to know about you blacking out on a Tuesday night and calling your ‘best friend’ a whore on Facetime. It’s my right as an American. 

It’s supplemental to my learning. I’m knee-deep in the sorority formal planning fiasco. I’ve deciphered the intricacies of each of the characters and picked sides. I’m even trying to help the in-class texter by sending argument suggestions telepathically. 

In all fairness, I don’t always side with the person texting. Sometimes you guys are wrong (and based on your recent NYT crossword attempts I’ve watched recently–fucking stupid). But I do try to be an ally and exercise some solidarity. For example, last week I watched every man in my lecture split screen to watch 2023 NFL highlight plays. I don’t know anything about that, but who am I to shame or throw stones? I just wish they’d keep their iMessage text bigger so I can catch every word of the fights they have with their mom. (I also would like to take the time here to apologize to them for stealing their credit card information when they were purchasing Alpha Brain, please ignore all charges from Mecha noodle bar; I was hungry.) 

This shouldn’t be anything new to you guys. I know your mom made you hand over your phone at the end of the night after you started parroting Tumblr quotes at the dinner table. At this point I am going to victim blame: why are you zoomed in to each text bubble if I am not supposed to follow along? I am ten feet behind you and the screen is crystal clear. Personally, I choose to keep my screen as small as possible so I can do things like write this article during class without being caught. 

If there is anything to take away from this insightful public service announcement; I would implore you all to make everything on your screen more legible to the folks in the back rows.