10 Steps to Dissolve the Student-Teacher Boundary and Finally Make your Professor Your Mom
By Cam Hoff
When you were a kid did you ever accidentally call your teacher “Mom”? Because I most certainly have. Who can blame those little kids? They see an authoritative older figure and just get a little bit confused, they have a bit of a slip and call the teacher mom. Now these kids are young, so the teachers think nothing of it, just a little mistake. But what if it wasn’t a mistake? What if you wanted to call your teacher your mom? Because I most certainly did.
But unfortunately now we’re in college, and if we accidentally call our professor our mom it’s weird. The professor would refuse to accept this and would correct this. But you didn’t make a mistake? How can you make your teacher know and accept this? Don’t worry, Master Papa Cam is here to answer and reveal all.
- An Apple a Day Keeps the Pheromones in Play
When a kid calls their teacher their mom, it’s obviously an accident. The teacher’s brain is flooded with compassionate chemicals and they are the opposite of mad. In order to begin the process of calling your professor your mom, you must remind the professor of these compassionate chemicals, remind them of their duty and role as teacher. To do this I would recommend giving them an apple every single day. I know it’s a bit of a cliche, but this is to our advantage. The cliche apple will remind them of why they began teaching and they will appreciate you for this. They will start to foster a connection with you because of this, hopefully a maternal one.
- Go to Their Office Hours and Act Mysterious and Slightly Sad
The problem with class is that it has so many other students, there is absolutely no chance for you to foster an intimate parental relationship with that many other potential competitors. By going to their office hours you make the professor pay sole attention to you, allowing them to really get to know the radiant, beautiful, you. But you can’t do this right away— you have to make them want to protect your light. To do this I would recommend acting mysterious and slightly sad for the first month or two. Sit in the corner and don’t talk to the professor at all, just let out a whimper consistently every five minutes. This will make them see you as someone who needs help and they will start to care for you.
- Be an Active Student: Ask Questions, Argue with Others!
No one wants a stupid child! They’ll never make the parents money, never be able to take care of them in the future, won’t love and care for them with joyful yet intimate conversation and inquisitions! You need to show your professor that you’re a bright pupil with oodles upon caboodles of potential. So always stay up to date on your assignments, always come to class prepared, and most importantly always participate! Ask questions no matter how stupid— the stupid questions are obviously for the other students because they’re so incredibly stupid, just rocks really. Look at you, so kind and intelligent! If a peer ever disagrees with you, argue with them! You can’t let them show you as wrong! You’re never wrong, you need to make sure the professor knows just how perfect you are.
- Stalk Their Children (and maybe just a little bit more)
If the professor has children this is a very big issue. How can they be your mom if they are already someone else’s! A true impossibility. However, this has quite the easy solution. Stalk the children! Now one can follow two paths for when they are doing this. The first one is to collect information about the children and use it to make your professor disdain their kids. Make them hate their kids, freeing up a parental connection for you! You might be thinking, Master Papa Cam isn’t stalking their kids a bit too far? Should we really cross this barrier? And you would be right! There is something wrong with the first path. It doesn’t go far enough. You should kill their kids.
- Huh? What’s This? Your Mother Just Died?
This is terrible news, such horrible, wretched, news! Your loving and caring mother who raised you since you were a wee pup has left this mortal coil and is now dead! You’re inconsolable, all you do is cry and cry; in class, in their office hours, in the corner of their rearview mirror when they cry in their car over the death of their child (potentially, just imagine the confusing emotional turmoil, truly recommend the second path). Your professor has no choice but to foster some sort of caring sentimentality, after all who wouldn’t console a crying student! The best part is, your mom doesn’t even need to be dead! It’s called acting everybody!
- Isolate Her? I Hardly Know Her!
Let's be honest for a second. You’re just a student, the professor has had so many of you in and out of their life. They can’t make a special connection with everyone! That’s too much for any one heart. You need to make space in their life! Space for you! And you know what that means… Social Isolation! Now to do this, you need to drive the other professors away from them. Plant evidence, lie, steal, commit arson, I do not give a rat’s ass! You need to destroy their social reputation.
- We Can’t Forget What Keeps Families Together! Love
The professor is going through a hard time. All the students and faculty can tell. They mope about crying for their dead children (potentially, once again I must bring up the potential emotional turmoil, imagine the possibilities. Choose the second path!), sitting alone because they have no friends. No one left to reach a caring hand, no one left to pull them out of their moat. But then you, the mysterious figure in office hours, a perfect student despite the fact your mother has quite literally just died, comes up to them and offers that caring hand, that soft and supple hand. I guarantee the professor will grab it. And when your hands touch, the professor will get that oh so familiar jolt of that fleeting emotion. What is it? Oh that’s right… love.
- Be the Gardener, Nurture the Budding Relationship like a Rose
This is the most crucial time of this entire process. Either your relationship blooms like a delicious and alluring bushel of roses, or it withers up and dies, just like your mother (teehee). Ask your professor to spend time with you outside of the classroom! Ask them to get dinner, potentially at their house? They might feel a bit uncomfortable, but that’s ok! They don’t want to let go of that fleeting but oh so warm feeling of love, they don’t want to disappoint you. If you insist they are absolutely bound to cave! And wow! You’re suddenly at the house of your professor. Take every potential moment to snoop and gather information, you never know what might be useful in the future. However, it is of the utmost importance to mainly focus on using your green thumb and making sure this relationship grows into a beautiful tree.
- Soldier, it’s Time to Drop the Love Nukes
You are close to your professor now. You both care about each other, some would even say potentially on the way to parental love. How can we turn this platonic care into something more? Soldier, it’s time to drop the love nukes. “Professor, I am so glad I met you. After my mom died I was so alone, so so alone, so fucking alone, just truly and utterly alone. I wasn’t sure what to do. But then you came into my life and showed me that I will be ok. There’s someone to guide me, to care for me, and I will never forget that. I promise to repay that.” This was just an example, but you can say anything you want as long as it insinuates you see them as a parental figure. And don’t just do this once, but over and over again. Until you’ve destroyed the world with your dangerous and steamy love nukes.
- “Hey Mom”
Let's review what you’ve done. You’ve been the perfect student, you distanced their coworkers and children (I will say this one final time, hopefully killed their children. I can only express in so many ways how much better this path is), gave them apples, created a mysterious but “in-dire-need-of-love” aura that just drips off you, and have dropped hints you view them as a parental figure. You have set the scene perfectly for this moment. This moment you’ve worked so hard for. This moment you’ve done everything for. Invite your professor to their classroom, the place you two met for the first time. Stand them in the middle of the classroom and grasp their hands in yours. Look passionately into their eyes, making sure they see the fiery blazing love in your face. Then utter these words, these simple words, “I love you mom.” And do you know what they’ll say back? “I love you too, my child.”
So, what have we learned today? We learned that it is entirely possible and frankly quite simple to make your professor your mom. And what an incredible relationship that would be. Filled with so much love and compassion and you barely have to do any work to get there. What are you waiting for? This can all be yours! All you have to do is follow these 10 steps to dissolve the student-teacher boundary and finally make your professor your mom!