HANUKKAH MIRACLE: This Vape Was Only Supposed To Have One Puff Left But It Lasted Eight Puffs

By: Ces Lodovico

BOSTON, MA – A true Hanukkah miracle was witnessed this holiday season! Waiting for the crosswalk across BU Bridge, Zach Spencer (CAS ‘26) was on his way to FitRec when he reluctantly pulled out his vape, a Blue Razz Ice Elf Bar, that was believed to be on its last hit. Contemplating whether or not he should hit it, he gave in and felt that weak, dying puff enter his system as the cold wind whipped around everyone waiting for the intersection to clear. 

But there was something different about this puff – it hadn’t felt completely like past final puffs. There was a twinkle of hope in the Blue Razz Ice flavored chemicals that can only be described as extraordinarily festive. He passed it to his best friend that he had a peculiarly homoerotic relationship with, James Slater (CAS ‘26), telling him, “Bro, hit this. Does it taste beautiful to you?” Slater, who didn’t need to be told twice to hit a vape, confirmed that it tasted marvelous. 

By this time, a crowd had formed. Slater passed it around to other, less important members of their group who continued passing it to bystanders who chanted the number of hits. The vape lasted not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven, but EIGHT whole puffs! Wow! 

Evie Xu (SAR ‘25), a witness to the event, was, in her words, “gagged. It’s very gay for a man to walk around smelling like Blue Razz Ice or cotton candy, but I guess I can condone vaping for this beautiful Hanukkah miracle.” She then winked and disappeared with a puff of snow.

Another witness, who wished to remain anonymous for political reasons, stated that they “intend to pick up vaping after viewing this spectacular – and quite frankly, historical –  event in person. They would’ve never let [him] get away with that in Congress, but since being expelled… who knows?” This witness, who we must legally clarify has no relation to former congressman George Santos, did in fact claim to be “Jew-ish” despite proven Catholic heritage.

After the commotion subdued, Spencer sent everyone who had hit his vape a Zelle request in order to purchase his next Elf Bar. So much for the season of giving, Zach! The light fading from Spencer’s Elf Bar was beautifully reminiscent of flames on the menorah burning out at the end of this beautiful festival of light.

Chag sameach!