Committee of Local Tween Girls Vote Unanimously to Paint the Walls of Questrom That One Very Specific, God-Awful Shade of Teal

By: Sadie Shelkey

BOSTON - Determined to expand community outreach, a team of Boston University researchers surveyed local middle school girls to find out how BU can improve their facilities. 

“Not in a creepy way,” stated a male research assistant. “Studies prove that tweenage girls are the realest bitches on the planet. We need to stay relevant, and they’ll tell it like it is. That’s who we wanted for our program,” he continued. And tell it like it is, they did…  

Comments on their campus tour included how the GSU was “not preppy enough,” and that this research project was “fucking stupid.” They passed judgemental glares at students and faculty and walked far ahead of the research team in an attempt to pretend they were actual college students rather than 4’9” 11-year-olds. The group enjoyed drawing penises on the Warren Towers elevator doors, emphasizing their truly innate understanding of student life at BU. They also really enjoyed jaywalking for some reason? One girl said the word “gyatt” and was promptly executed.

During the after-tour focus group, the girls planned a redesign of BU’s campus, focusing on Questrom. They unanimously voted to paint the walls that one very specific, god-awful shade of teal (you know the one) and floated the idea of replacing the flags with aesthetic pictures sourced from pinterest.

“Our research methods were very sound,” said George Santos, who introduced himself as a research assistant with no relation to the ex-congressman, but looked suspiciously like him. “People are questioning the legitimacy of their suggestions, but they give a unique perspective that our business school needs in order to stay relevant for the next generation,” explained George. 

The research team has stated that the tweens were sourced from BU’s morally questionable, yet seemingly limitless reservoir of children that take turns running on the hamster wheels on the top floors of CDS in order to maintain its carbon neutral distinction.

Their redesigns will be implemented in the coming weeks, so expect the construction to be up to BU’s standard of being terribly inconvenient for everyone around.

Additionally, BUPD has asked students to be on the lookout for an escaped kid from the research group. An anonymous tip says she was last seen taking down pedestrians with an electric scooter.