I Totaled My Ex-boyfriend's Car and then Broke Up with Him
By Noel
Imagine this: you just got back home after a long semester, and you haven’t seen your long distance boyfriend in four months because he never had the audacity to visit you once in the span of the two years that you were long distance during college. You are so excited to see him, and that’s the first thing you do when you get back home. You’re sleep deprived after the six hour flight, but you don’t care. You’re blasting Taylor Swift on the drive over to his dad’s house, and then you arrive.
He’s right there on the porch, watching you park your 1997 Mountaineer in the driveway. You’re so close to getting to hug him once again. Presently, your car is directly in front of his car, and you need to drive forward so you can then reverse and back up next to his car. You accelerate the car thinking you are in drive. You were in reverse. You zoom straight back into your boyfriend’s car, knocking it back onto his deck and destroying the fence in the process. You step out, in shock. The front of his car is like a crumpled up piece of paper lying there. Your boyfriend’s car isn’t worth much, so it gets totaled. Your car was not spared either. The accident was a two-for-one deal.
But wait, the embarrassment doesn’t stop there. There is a video camera overlooking the driveway that captured the whole accident, so naturally, your boyfriend’s dad downloads the video and sends it to your boyfriend’s entire family. On top of that, your boyfriend also shows the video to even more family members at a Christmas party a few days later. At this point they might as well post it online and give you a 90/10 cut of the money that it’s going to make.
You had felt bad for totaling your boyfriend’s car. It was an innocent mistake, and it’s not your fault your extreme sexiness means you don’t have driving skills. But now you start to feel the rage in your blood. How could he make light of such a traumatic experience? You start to question everything. Suddenly the red flags you were blind to appeared out of nowhere, some of which include the following: ignores boundaries, refuses to go to therapy, never plans dates, never gives you flowers, listens to country music, doesn’t like pasta, enjoys watching football, and is a man (gross).
Above all else, his most egregious crime of all was that he wasn’t a swiftie. He would protest every time you would put Mother herself, Taylor Swift, on the aux. He refused to acknowledge that Mother put Travis Kelce on the map. And he did not match your energy at ALL when he had the utmost privilege of attending the Eras Tour with you. Suddenly you don’t feel so bad anymore about totaling his car. How dare you for letting a short, straight, white man treat you less than you deserve. Totaling his car is nothing compared to disrespecting Mother.
So how does one naturally respond to this situation? You break up with your boyfriend. So what you already totaled his car, the breakup is just the icing on top. He can deal. Mother would be proud of you for following in her footsteps and destroying the cars and hearts of men who don’t deserve you. And if nothing else, rest assured in the fact that no one can blame you for anything. You’re just a girl after all.