Scooter to Cooter Pipeline: (there is none)

By: Madison Forrest

There are far too many scooters for a campus that is literally a 30-minute walk, and we need to sabotage them all. I’m talking banana peels on Comm Ave, Mario-Kart fashion. That, or public shame. 

Studies show nobody likes those fuckass scooters. The numbers are jarring; 10/10 students hate the scooters, 0.01% of all scooter users have been laid this calendar year, and 73% of the undergraduate population have wasted their breath sighing from Close Proximity to Scooter Syndrome. So, I decided to take the Street of BU and interview the real voices behind these legitimate and impressive statistics.

Hugh Jass (COM ‘25) grumbled, “They’re despicable,” and requested no further questions after he started crying. Like many more, Jass seemed to have some scooter trauma.

Ben Dover (QST ‘27) exclaimed, “I’ve actually talked about them on my podc…” The preceding ellipses do not mean more information followed, because I was unable to proceed with the interview as I ran away.

Out of breath, and patience, I was on my way to interview the next person. I then decided I needed a Dunkin pick-me-up and made my way to Stuvi. 

That’s when I saw him. He was tall and wore a red backpack. Oh my god, he definitely looked at me (I was blocking the door). I make a mental note of the number on his backpack to do some investigative journalism later. I stayed in the Dunkin for a while and reminisced on our moment.

As I left, I saw some clown zoom out of Stuvi and disrupt a group of people standing in front of the door. “This is my chance!” I thought. I grabbed my things and ran out the door to ask the scooterist if he had any grief for the peace he just disturbed. He scootered off before I could reach him, but I got one good look at his backpack that looked too familiar. I knew I had seen that red backpack before, but I was disappointed to see the cutie little number 43.

It was my man… what could have been. I guess the old saying about scooters is actually true.

The article is done, but now that I have this platform, I’ve decided to use it for good and talk about something important: 

If you are that one guy on the scooter who I’ve seen on Comm Ave, please hit me up. There’s definitely room on that scooter for two <3 #enemiestolovers #7865640961