Horned Out Freshmen Unleash “BUbonic” STI on Campus

Scientists have declared a campus-wide epidemic on Friday after the thousandth reported case of a viral, sexually-transmitted infection that has been plaguing students. 

“It’s important that we act quickly and with the utmost urgency to ensure that no more students are fucking,” Susie Susie, Director of health and wellness at Student Health Service, said. “This shit is worse than Covid was.”

Symptoms of the contagion may include but are not limited to a stuffy nose, headaches, visions of tomorrow, polyps, boils, breast enlargement, fungal growths, roast beef toes, shivering, a sudden enthusiasm for Steely Dan, bloody diarrhea, vomiting, skidmarks, and euphoric mastication. 

The origins of what students have dubbed “The BUbonic plague” remain unclear, though some sources trace the infection’s roots to the class of 2027.

“My friend told me that someone told her that some freshman sat on the Rhett statue and the copper mangled her hot pocket,” Hannah Sun (ENG ‘24) said. 

A number of theories claim that the STI is the result of a tragic love affair between a CFA student and an Esplanade goose, while others point to a business major who tried playing BINGO with sexually-transmitted diseases.

“Dunno who started it, but I do know I’m going to tear their fingernails off when I find them,” Jose Schmose (CAS ‘26) said. “I’ve been pissing blood for a week and my bathroom still smells like fucking sulfur.”

Following the SHS announcement, BU has announced a series of countermeasures to contain the spread of the BUbonic plague to mixed reviews from staff and students.

“It’s really hard to get around now that there’s a 6 inch-thick glass dome encircling the campus,” CFA professor Jayson D’rahulo said. “I live in Rochester and having to wait in line to leave through the single access point makes the commute that much worse.”

Other preventative mandates include enforced chastity belts, 2-1 Axe body wash, Rick and Morty graphic tees and faint circus music playing over every intercom in every building.

“We’d usually just recommend condoms and regular testing,” Susie said. “But these kids are like rabbits. Our team realized we can’t get the horny out of the kids, so we tried to make everyone as unfuckable as possible.”

While plague rates are showing signs of decline, rates of clown kinks and statue-fondling are the highest that they’ve ever been.