Open Letter to October: Petition to Exclude National Boyfriend Day and Reinstate Halloween as Scariest Day Of the Month

By: Laura Braudis

Dear October,

You are traditionally the month of ghosts, ghouls, and skeletons… and I’m not talking about Halloween. 

What used to be a fun four weeks of make-believe horrors has developed into a genuine month of fear for any girl who has Instagram. While Halloween is on day 31, the third of October holds frights so terrifying that it, unfortunately, has surpassed Halloween as the scariest day of the year: National Boyfriend Day. 

Men have been keeping expectations low for women on October 3rd ever since Aaron Samuels asked Cady Heron what day it was back in 2004. Now when October 3rd rolls around, hoards of these underwhelming boys whose girlfriends think they are the shit (but who really are just shit) get posted to Instagram. Each swipe is jump scare after jump scare, and what we’re left with is paralyzing fear like we have never felt before. Ghosts — men who are so white they’re almost translucent. Ghouls — men who feast on women’s rights for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  Skeletons — men who are twig thin and value Reddit over their own hygiene. 

The scariest thing of all is that the girls who post these monstrous men are 9 out of 10 times too good for them. What are they all doing with werewolves who turn into unrecognizable barbaric animals at full moon (every Sunday for football)? What do they see in vampires who suck every last drop of blood (female joy) from their bodies? The girlies think they can tame these creatures but at some point, they have to accept they are not Bob the Builder with a reputable “Can we fix it? Yes we can!” track record. These girls deserve better than to post men who act like zombies, and WE deserve better than to see said men on our social media timelines. 

C’mon, October, let’s get Halloween back on the top of your fright nights. Halloween deserves its place, at least until Thanksgiving, a holiday that instills the type of bone-chilling fear you can only get when you hear that one nosy aunt ask why you still don’t have a boyfriend because you failed to post for National Boyfriend Day… again. 

Sincerely,

(All the) Single Ladies