Why Me and My Coochie Use Different Pronouns

By Jaclyn Di Matteo

My coochie is a princess. Specifically Fiona from Shrek to be exact. That bitch is locked up tiiiiight in her tower; and the tower is my baggy little boy clothes and haircut based on the Pinterest search “cool gay haircut” to which I received a five star review from my boss who said: “PUUURRRRRRr it’s giving they them!”

You bet it is. 

Whenever people use she/her pronouns to refer to me, I simply assume they are referring to my coochie. 

When I’m doing something a little silly and people ask “what is she doing?!” I sprint to the bathroom to check on my coochie! I don’t know what she’s doing either guys sorry. 

I had a long history of ‘girlhood’ before I came to identify as the secret third thing I am now, and I must honor that period of time with a cisgendered coochie. My years of devotion to the Girl Scouts (which if you look at my troop now should probably just be called the They/Them Scouts) where I promised on my literal honor to serve God and my country have shaped my coochie to be who she is today. 

My coochie WILL do her duty to serve God and America. In fact, my coochie prays everyday. My coochie is a US Marine. My coochie is running for president 2024 and my coochie wants you to get out there and vote!

Anyways – this ‘girlhood’ that I experienced quite resembles Lord Farquaad. It was short, annoying, and in the end something no one wanted to get married to. 

So where is my knight in shining armor (aka Shrek) to come and slay this pussy??? 

This is a question we’ve all asked ourselves once or twice in our lives, but we must keep in mind the ending of Shrek. Fiona does, in fact, turn into an ogre and in this metaphor what would be the equivalent? A UTI. 

Stay safe out there everyone and remember two things: always pee after sex, and vote This Pussy your next president.