Warren Towers Software Update: Recap March 2023

./ ELEVATORS

./ Added 200-volt jolt upon entering elevator

Our professors have reported many cases of lethargic students in their 9ams. We hope this performance-oriented change will awaken students across the board.

./ HALLWAYS

./ Reduced entity walking speed by 10% 

./ Reduced entity IQ by 30%

We found the previous walking speed and intuition harmful to students’ entitlement. We hope these changes recognize that.

./ RESTROOMS

./ Increased floor stickiness by 40% from 10pm – 7am

Intoxicated residents, we hear you! We intend to create a friendlier environment for you to hunch over on.

./ Added aim-training module to men’s restrooms

A recent survey found that 70% of male residents play first-person shooters, while only 5% apply their skills to the restroom. In the interest of public health, we encourage the holistic approach to aiming in all facets of Warren life, preparing students for smaller holes in the extended future.

./ STUDY ROOMS

./ Increased romantic factor within “study buddy” relationships

./ Permanently added entities that play loud videos without headphones

At BU, we maintain our rigorous academic environment in the dorms as well as the classrooms. After positive user feedback, we permanently added NPCs playing TikToks through phone speakers throughout study rooms and lounges.

ENVIRONMENT

./ Increased amount of auto-generated couples

./ Accelerated first-kiss progression

To create a homier, friendlier environment, we accelerated the hand-holding stage into the first-kiss stage in order to clear up hallways of slow, bumbling couples. Keeping couples in corners, benches, and their rooms should ease up the flow of traffic.

We appreciate your feedback! Our developers are perpetually hard at work to ensure the elite quality-of-life standards an institution like BU deserves. If you have any questions or concerns, be sure to email the Dean’s Office.