To Pube Or Not To Pube: Why Shaving Your Cooter Cat Is Making Your Life Worse
Ahhh, pubes. Everybody’s least favorite body hair. From its inexplicable texture to the misogyny-induced anxiety it causes, pubes are an extremely under appreciated characteristic of us vagina-havers.
While I understand the turmoil that comes from overseeing the pubic bush, I fully intend to challenge the stigma we’ve only lightly fought the patriarchy on. After all, if a man is uncomfortable with a face full of bush, chances are he just doesn’t like pussy. Don’t act surprised.
We’ve all been here: rush shaving your cooter over the bathroom sink before a party “just in case something happens” (it won’t); or taking a 1.5 hour long shower to shave your entire body before a tinder date. Whatever the case may be—shaving your pussy is the fucking worst. You try to use sex as a coping mechanism and soon realize that shaving your heart-shaped box might make your depressive episode even worse.
So I wondered: why is shaving the Cheshire cat so unbelievably miserable? Where is the reward? Turns out there is none. I did a little research (Googled “is shaving your pussy bad”) and discovered that not only is shaving your cupcake unnecessary, it is also a threat to your health! After all, would you eat a cupcake served without the wrapper?
Allow me to introduce you to findings, a little series I like to call ‘To Pube or Not To Pube’ :
#1: Warmth
We live in Boston, folks. The windy city THRIVES on you going commando in your yoga pants. Not only that, but warmth significantly increases stimulation. The only thing more numb than an icy clit is a clit on Lexapro. It appears men are simply doing everything in their power to make sure you don’t cum—starting with pubephobia.
#2: The Process
There are two types of vagina-havers in this world. Those that shave, not for pleasure, but for security, and those who don’t shave. Notice how nobody fucking enjoys it? You can’t. Luckily for me, I am a retired dancer who has no problem putting my leg above my head to reach the sweet spot. Can I see? No. Have I sliced my labia open 4 times this year alone? Mind your business.
Razors are sharp, man! And full of bacteria. Clean shave? More like clean-cut-slice across your bikini area. And in a moist environment like a bathroom, followed by the even harsher environment of your thrifted men’s jeans, a bacterial infection is just waiting to strike. It’s eager to strike.
#3: The Bakery
Turns out pubes are that god awful texture because they’re protecting you from fostering a bakery–I mean bacteria. Shit happens. Infections are normal, to a certain degree, but they are probably the only thing more miserable than the act of shaving when it comes to the vagina. You’re less susceptible to potentially harmful bacteria with steel wool hiding your pink palace. Just keep the bush. Trust me.
#4: We Irritatin’
I know you didn’t think the freshly shaven skin was irritated for a GOOD reason. Ever worn a pad directly after shaving? Yeah. Good luck with skin cancer, freak. In most cases we can assume our hair
covered surfaces are sensitive. The vagina is the most sensitive. Too much friction and a wildfire of burns and scratches are headed downstairs.
Last, but not least…
#5: THE HERP.
Source? Doesn’t matter. Somebody thinks you’re more susceptible to “the herp” when your kahuna is bald and we should all take precaution.
The lesson I hope to get across here is this: activities that cause us misery should always be avoided. Don’t shave your vagina if it’s uncomfortable. Don’t go to lecture if the professor’s voice makes your brain contort. Hell, stop having children, even. It hurts. But it goes both ways. Keep getting fucked by whoever you want–just don’t shave before. If they refuse to give you head, cut theirs off! This is YOUR vagina, babes; we’re all just living in it.