The FitRec Açaí Bowl Made Me Shit So Fucking Badly (I’m Suing)
By Hayden Bielawa
In semester 1 I blessed you all with the fantastic story of how I saw a girl taking handwritten notes during a tour. That was a 100% true story. This story is unfortunately true as well. I love to write satire, I really do, but shitty situations of my pathetic life must be talked about. Anyways on with real life story #2.
I’m a smoothie hoe. I drink them religiously. HOWEVER, restaurants that take dining points that serve smoothies are slim to none (Yes I acknowledge Saxby’s opened. This story is from semester 1. Fuck off). The only restaurant that qualifies–is Healthy Blends. You may ask, “what the fuck is a healthy blend,” and I can confidently respond with I don’t know either. This place is on the first floor of FitRec. It looks like it’s trying to be that smoothie place from iCarly but it’s BU so of course it’s not that great. Anyways. On this fateful December day, I was craving a smoothie. The Juicery was closed, so I was looking for any other place that had smoothies, and that is how Healthy Blends walked into my life.
I picked a smoothie from the menu and then I saw the acai bowls. I was pretty hungry so I decided why not. I picked the “Nutella Banana Bowl,” which is described as “acai base, strawberry, banana, coconut flakes, nutella, and cocoa krispies.” So cocoa krispies, that does not belong in an acai bowl but I figured they must just be a garnish for funsies. Oh boy.
As I made the trek to west my stomach started grumbling more. I was fucking HUNGRY bro. So I walk my fat ass into FitRec fully knowing I am not here to exercise I am here to EAT. I walk up to the GrubHub pickup area and get the order labeled “Hayden” and I stared down at my acai bowl. What I was met with was MISERY.
There’s a plastic salad bowl full of strange eggplant-colored liquid as thick as phlegm. Nutella scoops as big as Ronald Reagan’s balls swam in the weird base. A couple strawberries, a couple bananas, the tiniest bit of coconut flakes that looked genuinely like toenails. And the grand finale. At least 2 full cups of COCOA PUFFS piled on top. COCOA PUFFS. Note how the description said cocoa KRISPIES. These are two very different things. Balls vs Discs. Crunch vs Crackle. Bird vs Boys. They could not be more separate.
I hopped back on the T to head to my dorm and enjoy my…delicious meal. The smoothie was good, I can give them that, but jesusfuckingchrist this acai bowl was something else. I ate the base like it was soup. It was clearly not the right texture. The overwhelming clumps of nutella and the strange flavor of the base really created the opposite of a mouth orgasm. The fruit was gone rather quickly, as well as the coconut toenails that drowned in the mysterious liquid. What I literally cannot get past is the fucking cocoa puffs. There were SO MANY. It was like eating a bowl of strange cereal that was going to either turn me into a psychedelic drug user or an amish person.
I finished the bowl, I don’t know how I tolerated it for that long, but I REFUSE to waste my dining dollars. I pretended to work on homework, sang Mr. Brightside a couple times, and tried on all of my socks at once. But then it hit me like a fucking hurricane-cyclone-thunderstorm-tornado-blizzard-tsunami-flood-avalanche-earthquake.
My stomach felt like it never had before. I felt so fucking sick. I started feeling it around my butthole. I’m very very very lucky that I lived in Hojo 1st semester and that my roommate who routinely spent about 1-2 hours in the bathroom on a daily basis (morning and night, yes this is not a joke, I wish it was) was not in the bathroom. So I RUSHED to that fucking toilet, pulled the pants down, and it just unloaded like a fucking dump truck. And it HURT. It was so horrible. Worse than 2 girls 1 cup. I think I’ve already described too much but as Ariana Grande says “almost is never enough!!!”
I’m genuinely shocked I did not clog my toilet. I have not shat this bad since the one time I took laxatives in 7th grade at summer camp after I hadn’t pooped in a week. This poop was not as bad as that poop but it was a close second place. Not satisfying poop. Very painful poop. I will be suing Healthy Blends for causing me immense butthole pain.
Do not go to Healthy Blends. Don’t do it. Please don’t. Unless you want a cheaper version of colonics. Then the acai bowl would probably be a good budget version for a colon cleaning!!
(This is actually the real bowl)
