BU Premieres New Program “CGS 2: somehow we found even bigger morons than CGS 1”
By Max Bearinger
My name is Hill Wunting, a janitor here at Boston University. Only I can say janitor, it’s custodian to you. This past summer I was given a very special job: clean up after President Brown. Now don’t be fooled by his Lorax-like appearance — that man hates the environment. Everyday it was take out the trash, but gas in his car, let him fart on me, clean the toilets... it was hell. But I eventually learned to love him. He would give me a morning grunt, and I would brush his arms tenderly.
One day on my way to clean out his litter box he spake to me. He said with tears in his eyes, “President Brown is sad he doesn’t have enuff money.” I told him do not worry, kitten let me help you. He explained to me that since so many people who go here are poor freaks, the only way we make any money is from CGS students because they are stupid and dumb and pay a lot of money. I suggested expanding the CGS program but he pointed out they can’t possibly send that many students to London.
That’s when it hit me — CGS 2: Electric Boogaloo. It’s like CGS 1 but instead of going to class, they watch Cocomelon, and instead of studying in London, they spend their first semester in a cryogenic sleep chamber. Well, the applications just started rolling in. Fall 2022 rolled around and we had an enrolled class of 20,000 thumb-sucking babies (and that was just CGS 1, 15,000 more enrolled in our new program).
The program was a smash hit with all the faculty, I was promoted to dean of CGS 2 and we even got our own building (the catacombs underneath Marsh Plaza). Things went swimmingly for the first few weeks of introduction the morons loved their Cocomelon classes and they all had so much fucking money because we made them fill out a reverse FAFSA. But then, the day rolled around to put them into cryogenic stasis for a few weeks. We put them all in individual sleep pods and brought out the liquid nitrogen to freeze them.
Long story short, there are 15,000 dead 17-year-olds under Marsh Plaza (and that’s just from the experiments back in the ’80s I added another 15,000 to make it even). Anyways, I’m writing this letter from prison to let you know, DO NOT apply for CGS 2, or do, I don’t care, you’re probably not worth much to society anyway.