Mitski Found Dead And Other Misinformation I Would Believe And Then Subsequently Kill Myself Because of

By Max Bearinger

I was so young when I behaved 25, and now I’m killing myself at 21. I read an Onion update claiming that Mitski was dead. I got in the car, turned it on, drove into the garage, blasted Love Me More, and waited for the carbon monoxide to fill my lungs slowly. It turns out that doesn’t work in the Warren parking garage. So I drove away and drove home. It turns out the Onion is not a reputable news source, which first of all despicable, second of all stupid name, and third of all I really wanted that girl dead. 

Anyways here’s a bunch of other things I would believe and how I would kill myself as a result.

1. Trisha Paytas has her leg amputated.
   1. I would feel so so sad for that poor girl. How would she do the wednesday dance for her baby? How would she drive her pink bentley? What are they doing with the leg? Can i have it? Do you think it would be too big for my freezer? 
   2. Anyways a single image of trisha with one leg would lead me to go to the korean fried cheese corndog place, buy one, remove the stick, shove it into the roof of my mouth and keel over. This would likely hurt but not as badly as my heart would hurt for trish. 
2. Trader Joe’s opens allston location
   1. I fucking hate bitches who shop here, i dont give a fuck about the goddamn frozen fagitini or whatever you bought, I would strap a bomb to my chest and explode the whole store (satire kidding) but seriously i would decimate every fucking inch of that place and anyone who posts a haul from trader joes on tik tok will be added to a list of public enemies and have their family dogs euthanized (and if it’s already dead I will dig it up and kill it again)
3. Trolls 3 production halted
   1. Trolls 2 saved my life, seeing poppy and branch unite the trolls kingdom restored my will to live. Those little guys have really done so much for this world. I eagerly await the release of trolls 3 and have actually implanted a microchip in my brain synced to google alerts, if any rumors of trolls 3’s cancellation begin to circle I wont even have a choice, the chip will snip my frontal lobe off, lobotomizing me, and once that happens I would hope a friend would sympathetically euthanize me. 
4. Timmy Thick was a social experiment (again)
   1. Steal ROTC kids grenade, shove it up my ass, needs no explanation.