Boston University Researchers Discover You Can’t Do It And Will Never Achieve Your Goals
By Herb Waters (SAR '24)
A recent, distressing study by Boston University researchers reveals that you, yes - YOU, cannot do what you aspire to do, and will never achieve your goals.
Researchers investigating whether you’re really cut out for this shit followed a nationally-sampled cohort of 24,340 college students over five years. With 4,134 respondents dead and 3,692 lost to follow-up, the results conclude that although the COVID-19 pandemic carried significant negative effects on students’ mental health, the staggering 98% prevalence of failure is causally linked to simply “sucking ass” with “hot dog water” levels of performance.
*The other 2% found careers in public health, but all died within fourteen days from shock.
The scores for failure were coded to a number of social, economic, and emotional factors: if you didn’t have that dawg in you, you failed; if you didn’t obtain a Time Turner and work seventeen indenture-ships, you failed; if you didn’t retrieve the Golden Fleece, you (alright genuinely why was that part of the scale) failed; and if you did the seven-year med program and matched to vascular surgery, you DEFINITELY failed, and CPS is tracking your parents down as we speak.
The study also found a 100% fatality rate for participants with Keshi in their Spotify Wrapped (skill issue) and an 86% odds ratio between social rejection and exposure to Kaplan Test Prep. And no, your NHS senior membership didn’t help — 65% of you literally self-reported failure.
You couldn’t handle the creativity when someone who should DEFINITELY be in jail compared Frosted Flakes to forever chemicals. I personally consider those moments mind-broadening affairs – a breath of fresh air from your 258th Degree Advice skim of the day.
As for coping mechanisms, a large percentage of participants reported solo smoking, but to YOU, the reader, I ask: what’s the point of dimming your lights, thinking you’re Batman while the Elf Bar® smoke obscures your face… just to close Succession and open Quizlet? Don’t deny the data proving you’re a lost cause, and leave the success to the 0.7 GPA 15-year-old producing all the TikTok hits you open your soul to, kid. He’s never TOUCHED a resume, but he’ll have your “aspiring” ass shrieking for mercy as band after band after BAND rock the table.
You oughta reassess your life choices (and maybe buy a vacuum while you’re at it). I guarantee within two months of this article, your phone’ll sit between three ashtrays and you’ll be thumbin’ through cash next to 60 tons of mifepristone that just went missing from somewhere… now that’s what I call public health.
References:
Cozart, Keith. Love Sosa. Finally Rich (2011).