If We Replaced All The Electric Scooters (Nasty) With Vespas (Cunty) Campus Would Become Utopian

By Piper Hope

I won't waste your time by stating the obvious (I’m about to): the scooters that have infested our campus are a disease. The perpetrators of this crime are often student athletes, questrom kids or the terrifying intersection between the two (eek!) But what if I told you there was a secret second option lying right below our noses? 

If you’ve ever managed to look up and process your surroundings during your weekly drunken walk into Allston you might recall seeing a little storefront, a humble retail space selling the cuntiest mode of transport imaginable: Vespas. It’s so European! It’s so messy French girl! If we convince the scooter-ers to switch to vespas our university could become a beacon of hope for a more coquette lana del rey vinyl world. You would start to see basketball players in smudged lipstick, swimmers smoking skinny cigarettes (the cuntiest kind) outside of Fitrec. 

Soon enough the vespas will become CUNTagious and their magic will start to seep into the frats.  Our boys at Oozma Kappa and Delta Poopoo Peepee will start throwing functions with themes such as: Sanpellegrino sparkling water,  baguette, and longing gazes out of twelfth story windows. They would still be absolutely despicable people, but in a distinctly French way. Assholes who spit on the ground but the disgust you feel from this gives you an erotic thrill. 

This is the world I’ve always wanted, this is the dream you’ve always dreamed and I think we should all team up to make it happen. What did Macklemore say? “Fuck a bus pass, you got a moped man.” So please, the next time you see one of those monstrosities on the street start breaking it with a hammer and then force the bozo riding it to invest in the vesp. Please, make the world a better place.