Career Center Begins Recommending Pyramid Schemes, Says They Are Out of Ideas

BOSTON - On Thursday October 20th, Boston University hosted their career fair in the George Sherman Union Metcalf Ballroom. But this was not any career fair. Officials of the fair were “introducing new and invigorating business opportunities” to unsuspecting students. 

The first of many invigorating ventures referenced was Mary Kay, the iconic makeup brand. Representatives of the brand were offering the position of Independent Beauty Consultant to any passers by who made eye contact with them. Ashley Marie (COM ‘24), one victim that I got the chance to speak with as she was signing contracts that no one read, was very excited, saying “I mean, I got to the career fair in the Metcalf Ballroom, and there was a giant pink car in the center of the room. A woman told me if I sold enough Mary Kay Bubblegum Galore lipgloss, and if I got my friends to do it too, then I could have one just like her!” All follow up attempts with Ashley Marie have been declined. 

Vector Marketing, primary seller of CUTCO Cutlery, was also actively manipulating at the career fair, offering students a position in Corporate Sale Analytics. Follow up research on the company’s website has since confirmed that the position is not real. Vector employee, John Smith, whom I met as he was taking a photo with the company’s “CEO,” happily let me know that if he just posts this on Facebook and gets his mom, grandma, and uncle into it, he’ll have made $3,000 by the end of the week. 

Facebook search results yielded some interesting findings. 

John Smith, proud Questrom student in a full suit, wrote in a Facebook post on Thursday night: 

“Want to be your own boss? Consider applying at Vector Marketing. CUTCO cutlery is among the leading cutlery brands in the world. Never heard of it? That’s just because you don’t know good knives yet. Click the link in my bio on all social media platforms to purchase knives or apply to work for Vector just like me!”

BU parents in the comments were, in general, elated. 

At the end of my time at the career fair, I bumped into an employee hiding under the catering table. In his weakened state, we discussed why pyramid schemes had suddenly been introduced at the event. “Look, they aren’t pyramid schemes. Actually, ok. Yeah, they are.” said the source, who would like to remain unnamed. “Vector marketing got me. They told me if I didn’t let them present at the career fair they would revoke my position. I mean, at this point I am a senior district manager. I’m just one promotion away from being senior regional manager, and that’s when you really start to see the money. I had to let them in.” 

In recent days, Marciano’s Fresh Food Commons has now begun using CUTCO cutlery for all of their cooking needs. West Dining Hall and Warren are soon to follow. Fenway Dining Hall has yet to make a comment. Interestingly, President Brown was recently spotted driving a pink car on Comm Ave.