CupcakKe in Paradise: a Concert I'll Never Forget

By Sydney Roth

This past weekend, I had the absolute honor of witnessing sloppy-toppy icon CupcakKe perform at Paradise Rock Club. The friends were there, the liquor was flowing, and the crowd was bumping. In other words, the night was primed for cinematic recollection, so believe me when I say that it did not disappoint. 

Before we could find paradise in Paradise (haha get it), we first had to wait in line. Uuuggggghhnhhh, is what you’re thinking was running through my head when I saw that the line was wrapped around the block. But in reality, I was ecstatic to see such a turnout. I had no idea this lewd princess had gotten so popular over the last couple years, especially since my Slurper status pretty much peaked around 2018. But when I was browsing for shows a month ago and saw CupcakKe’s name in the venue lineup? My mind was made up as soon as I saw that Kapital K.

Apparently everyone within a 10-mile radius of Boston had had the same idea. This line was composed of the most eclectic group of people I’ve ever seen outside of Paradise, including groups of middle-aged straight men (presumably), hordes of gay teens (presumably) dressed like they were going to an underground rave, and college-age frat bros. What did it all mean? What convinced them to be here, too? Are we all just lonely and horny? Regardless, CupcakKe has a way of bringing people together.

After about half an hour of waiting outside (i.e. violently ripping our pens before security could see us stuff them in our boots like Alex Russo and her cunty little wand), we eventually made it inside. By that point, it was almost an hour after doors and the opener had yet to make her appearance. But not to worry! Paradise pulled through as always with their overpriced bar and pre-show music that made me think, “am I too white to dance to this?” It didn’t take long before I was thoroughly crossed and modestly vibing.

Our on-theme opener, Naughtyy, began her set after another half hour. You’d think the crowd would be cranky at this point, but there were so many substances in our collective systems (and probably in the air) that our stamina remained. We chanted “CupcakKe” for almost 15 minutes before Naughtyy finally emerged, and when she did, the crowd. Went. Bananas. I felt my ears buzz and knew my hearing would never be the same. It was beautiful.

Naughtyy gave a performance for the ages without even breaking a sweat. Seriously. Her beat was absolutely unreal and she glowed under those stage lights as if they were gentle rays of sunshine. She rapped, she sang, and most importantly, she served. I’d have her whole discography downloaded by now if it weren’t for her surprisingly small online presence. Where do I find you, Naughtyy??

And finally, over two hours after Paradise opened its doors, CupcakKe emerged. I wish I could go into detail about her whole look, but all I can remember is that she wore an iconic red, fox tail cape because she mentioned that her mother wanted her to wear it that night. I love.

She brought out all the classics, of course: Vagina, Squidward’s Nose, Duck Duck Goose. She even performed her hit single, Pedophile, which resulted in hundreds of grown adults screaming, “PROMISE ME YOU WON’T TELL” on a college campus knee-deep in their admissions tour season. Can’t say it was the most thought-out set list, but goddamn it was fun. 

As CupcakKe’s moans and slurps echoed throughout the set, I thought of my own sexual exploits. As a practically born-again virgin, I found it ironic to be shaking my ass to lines like, “slurp that dick ‘til it cum,” and “I’d rather ride Squidward’s nose.” I mean, did my humor just not evolve past the 6th grade? Probably. But the more raunciness I absorbed that night, the more confident I felt. I decided then and there that I would have, as the kids say, a Hot Girl Summer. I’m working on the hometown roster as we speak.

In short, it was a concert I’ll remember for the rest of my life. Is that only because I feverishly scrawled this article onto a napkin at the end of the night so I wouldn’t forget it in the morning? Maybe, but don’t judge. At least I’m not snorting lines.