Confession: My Roommates and I Killed Queen Elizabeth
By: Noel L.
You might be wondering how just a few silly little college girls are capable of offing the literal queen of England. Now that it’s been over a year, I am finally ready to confess on what may just be the most impressive feat of my college career. Yes, even more impressive than not being weeded out of gen chem freshman year. Or not yet dropping out of college despite the fact that being pre-med has made me question my life choices.
You see, it all started on the fateful night of September 7, 2022 at approximately 9:45 PM EST. I was sitting in my dorm fantasizing about British men, when all of a sudden, my roommate Elana (another slay queen of the Pinky Toe) texted the roomie groupchat with the most horrifying picture of a ginormous centipede on the ceiling of our bathroom. It had been watching her while she was showering, so it should have at least had the decency to buy her dinner first. Panic immediately ensued. After all, no one wants to watch Tik Toks on the toilet while a gargantuan centipede could drop down on them at any moment. We were on a mission to destroy this thing once and for all.
What followed can only be described as a great example of why you should hire us to be your exterminators. My other roommate Lily grabbed her Windex (#notsponsored) and started spraying the centipede in an attempt to make it fall from the ceiling. Elana followed by spraying it with rubbing alcohol and the centipede fell to the floor, but this centipede refused to die despite drowning in a puddle of what I can only assume would be an amount of chemicals capable of poisoning and killing multiple humans. And then I decided I had to deal the final blow. I took a toilet plunger that was resting in the corner of the bathroom and smacked the centipede with the handle, leaving behind a mess of centipede legs, some on the plunger and others swimming in Windex (#notsponsored) and rubbing alcohol.
My roommates and I immediately knew we were forever and inseparably trauma bonded after the tumultuous experience we just shared. After all, nothing says team bonding like using various household items to kill a horrifying centipede together. BU should have given us our teamwork hub units right then and there. We knew we owe our entire friendship to that centipede, and so we fondly named her Elizabeth. It just felt right.
So imagine our surprise when the next day, we woke up to the news that Queen Elizabeth herself had died. It was too uncanny to be a pure coincidence. Did we kill the queen?? Somehow, her spirit must have decided to hop across the pond over to our bathroom so she could have a change of pace from the pristine and priceless British royal throne to our crappy and below average American royal throne (but what else is new about America?). I am happy to say we were able to give her the proper American royal throne experience by flushing her centipede body down the toilet. However, I want to give Elizabeth my sincere apologies for killing her. After all, it was simply a misunderstanding, and I promise I won’t ever do it again. As any man would say, I won’t hurt you again (but in reality if I had the chance I would). Also, if anyone from the royal family is reading this, ignore everything you just read and find me a British husband please and thank you 😇🙇
Despite the oppression and damage that the British monarchy has caused over the course of history with colonization and what not, I still have a soft spot in my heart for the Queen. After all, I owe my friendships to her. Rest in peace Elizabeth. I hope you are having the time of your life since being reincarnated as Malibu Barbie. Tell Trisha Paytas I say hi :)