Eureka! I’ve Merged With Binary Code: Taking Shrooms During CS 101

By: Cam Hoff

I’ve had these shrooms for a week and I’ve yet to take them. It’s a well-known fact that after taking shrooms one is completely unable to go to sleep for the next 6 hours. This means timing is ABSOLUTELY everything. Every Saturday morning my mother dresses my sister and me in bunny costumes and forces us to perform the classic Czech Republic dance The Polka at her church. I have to wake up quite early for this and the performance goes on all weekend; it seems that there is no time to take the shrooms. However, one time works perfectly… 4:00 pm. This Friday. The start of my CS 101 class and I can’t miss attendance. 

I arrive at 3:55, wanting to give myself some time before the lecture started. I gingerly sit in a seat in the back, making sure that no one is sitting near me. I quickly scan the room for any greedy eyes that want to steal my shroomy-woomys… coast clear. I cautiously take the 12 grams (only flops and business majors take less than 10 grams) of shrooms from my backpack. I shove them in my mouth, shoving them down as quickly as possible. They taste a bit like a turkey gizzard and anal discharge–intriguing and captivating. As soon as I finish the shrooms, someone sits next to me.

“Hello students,” Professor Bitigies bellows. “Welcome to today’s class. I hope everyone is excited to learn the basics of binary code!” I look at the large six-foot-tall man and watch as his waist starts to shrink and his bosom expands. 

“Mamma Mia,” I utter. 

“Sorry? What did you just say?” The person next to me asks. I look at her and stare deeply into her green eyes. They slowly transform into my mother’s beautiful purple eyes on her completely hairless body. In a flash, I’m staring at my mother. 

“Sweetie, don’t forget about our special plan tomorrow!” she whispers in my ear. 

“I don’t want to dance the polka,” I grumble.

“Too bad, slut!” she yells as she slaps me. At this moment it becomes clear to me. My mother would never call me a slut, she only calls me cum dumpster. This is not my mother and I am terrified.

“Don't worry, buttercup honey-bunches of joy. Mommy is gonna protect you and nothing is ever going to happen to you.” I then roll out of my seat onto the ground and begin army crawling down the aisle. The aisle suddenly transforms into a trench. The muddy ground coats my body in a layer of bright green grime. I quickly lick it off myself. I have to be clean while I’m escaping the imposter. 

I finally exit from the trench and I’m faced with a disgusting vision. The screen has been engulfed with disgusting lime-green 0s and 1s, the professor, now a stunning woman with three boobs, is krumping while two people in bunny costumes dance The Polka behind them. 

“No, stop it,” I scream. “one cannot dance The Polka while under the influence of lust. It is a beautiful and traditional art form and I will not let it become sacrilege because you bunnies want to COPULATE WITH TRI-TITS MCGEE!” I burst into a full-blown sprint. I have to protect her. I have to protect them. I cannot let the tiny 0s and 1s destroy and morph any other people in this classroom. I charge at the professor, aiming to kill her, finally disrupting her inhumane influence. The beautiful woman shrieks and doges, and I slam into the screen swimming with 0s and 1s.  

“Oh, how beautiful this is,” I say while swimming through the bountiful sea. I am fully in tune with them. I can move and contort the numbers to my will. Fully understanding them. Having nothing but unabashed love for them. I have become binary code, and binary code has become me. Thank you world. I have finally found my purpose.