I'm so hot: Why you should sleep with someone for their air-conditioned dorm room

written by The Pinky Toe

Anyone who has been living on campus in a non-air-conditioned room is aware that we all recently reached what I like to call, devil’s asshole level temperatures. I have had nights that I felt like my skin was melting off of my body. BU momentarily had the wettest student population in the nation with how much we were all sweating. After a shameful night of sleeping on a dirty couch in the towers common room downstairs, I decided something had to change. I am far too hot in every sense of the word to be dealing with this nonsense. It was time to do what any self-respecting slut would do and pop my pussy for some goddamn air conditioning. 

If you too would like to manipulate a man or woman for their mildly colder living space, here is a step-by-step guide on how I obtained your new whore housing.

1. Find a Man. This plan also works with a women, non-binary, or sapphic partner. Be prepared to U-Haul in that dorm for at least the next couple of months until you ultimately break up after realizing you have slept with all the same people because every gay bitch on this campus knows each other. Anyyywayyyyyy, when locating your new housing sugar daddy or mommy you need to be mindful of the demographics that have singles in air-conditioned dormitories such as Miles of the Stuvies. These top class lodgings are usually reserved for the most high class of BU students, fraternity brothers, and sorority sisters. That’s right you sweaty bitch, it’s time to throw it back in Allston.
2. Seduce that bitch. I know this may sound overwhelming to some of you more anxious girlies and gays, but I promise you can do it. Put on your lowest cut top and when they ask why you are literally dripping with sweat, simply wink and tell them you can be wet in other ways too. Clap your ass cheeks as loud as possible to those shitty beats that one frat guy has been “cooking up”. All those hormones you’ve been marinating in for the past week will draw the hungry whores to you like a dog to a bone. 
3. Hanky that fucking panky. Spread those legs 180 degrees and let a bitch dive in. Spin on that dick (real or plastic) until that mother fucker is sucked dry and passes out. 
4. Bring in your spare medical grade insanity restraints (a straight jacket or handcuffs also work) and tie your recent conquest to their bed. Gag them, steal their key, and congratulations babe you have a new air conditioned dorm that you can go to as much as you want! (Or at least once every few days to feed your new captive <3)

At the end of the day sometimes you have to remind yourself that you are a hot bitch and deserve nice things. It's important to treat yourself; buy that coffee, put on that eyeliner, and lock up that sex slave. Since Boston University has been making many of us live in inhumane conditions over the past couple of weeks, I say let's be inhumane as well. You have to, it's not your fault you're so hot <3