Tragic: Guy with the Hottest Lips in Discussion Section is Using Them to Say the Dumbest Shit

By Tom Silver

CAS - A ray of afternoon sun glinting off the mirror that is the Data Science Center dapples the classroom in the deep golden hue of Panda Express orange chicken. The professor’s voice seems to fade into the distance. You’re only taking this 20th Century Children’s Literature class to fulfill some Hub unit with a long-ass name, and you’re dissociating more than an esplanade stoner. The room is warm, eyelids heavy, Mom’s spaghetti.

You trace a sunbeam as it lands on… holy shit, that guy’s lips look so hot right now. He must have the softest, plumpest, most kissable mouth this side of the Charles. Your jaw drops and you start - you know what, fuck it, this is about what happened to me last month. My jaw dropped and I started to fantasize but immediately noticed, with great displeasure, that his piehole was starting to move.

“I frankly think the work is pretentious and self-important,” he said in a voice that was pretentious and self-important. “Dr. Sus constructs his philosophy on a foundation of hand waving.”

I took in the human who was, unfortunately, attached to the lips and wrinkled my nose.

“Let me refer,” he continued, clearing his throat, “to the clichéd motif: ‘One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.’ This constitutes an incomprehensible mishmash of alphanumeric, pescetarian, and even variegated elements. Is the red-blue juxtaposition a banal allegory for political fragmentation? Dr. Sauce doesn’t even attempt to clarify this jarring polychromaticity.” I felt like I was about to throw up. This guy’s lips were clearly meant to be seen but not heard. “Realism? Out the window. There’s no reference whatsoever to any actually practicable methods for enumerating marine life. Horrible worldbuilding.”

We’ve been dating for almost a month.