An Open Letter to Men Who Wear Slutty Sweaters

By Jenny Seminack

Dear men who wear slutty sweaters,

I’m onto you. I know your tricks. You all think you’re so slick, hiding your horniness under a thick layer of merino wool. But I know what you are — indie boys looking to make a quick buck off the hearts of people such as myself who are particularly susceptible to the art of ~sweater seduction~. Who do you think you are, Chris Evans? Put a flannel on and grow up.  

All these men walking around in slutty sweaters has me thinking — What the hell is going on underneath the sweater? As much as I want to deny it…I can't avoid the siren call of a thrifted men’s sweater. What can I say? I’m just a teenage girl.

Speaking of sweaters, let’s talk about the brand of man who deigns to flaunt his sluttiness for all the world to see, like a vain peacock. This man listens to albums on vinyl, has a Letterboxd Pro account, and “doesn’t watch TV”. Bonus points if he bears a resemblance to the current bastion of male beauty standards that is Mr. Timothee Chalamet. Personally, I think it’s time these men get off their high horse and come back down to Earth with the rest of us. Should the medium ugly boy from your film class really be getting this much attention over an article of clothing he chose to wear? I don’t think so! It’s a shame that such deplorable men choose to wear such lovely sweaters. 

At the end of the day, if I see a slutty sweater, I’m going to wonder what’s going on underneath. It’s like a hornier version of If You Give a Mouse a Cookie: If you give a bisexual a medium-ugly man in a sweater, they will almost certainly fold. The power of the sweater simply cannot be denied, and I fear to see how men will continue to use it in the future. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised at this unfortunate turn of events, though — all a skinny white boy needs to make it these days is a pair of wire-framed glasses, a cable knit sweater, and a dream.  

Sincerely, 

A Concerned Bystander