Exposure Therapy: Tits Tuesday

By: Max Bearinger

My therapist told me the only way to overcome my chronic fear of people was to put myself out there, to get outside my comfort zone. I thought tits thursday might result in me seeing a past sneaky link so I landed on voyaging into the liminal space that is TITS Tuesday. 

It started with the outfit, naturally, I figured the only way to get the most out of my therapy was to go all out. A pair of orange booty shorts, a hot pink thong pulled up to my waist, and a yellow shirt that says live free or die. 

Now I sauntered on down to ye ol’ tavern in the square hoping to get wasted, finger blasted, and conquer my fears. But not many people know this, and certainly, I didn’t, but on tuesday’s tits rebrands to FITS. FURRIES in the square. It wasn’t until after I paid the $10 cover, that i discovered the land of pup masks and tails. I was in too deep I had no choice but to stay. I went to the bar figuring this might be more bearable if I was wasted. The menu had 2 drinks, puppaccino and dog bowl full of vodka. Naturally, I choose the latter, and as I began to lap up the sweet sweet vodka I had my first furry interaction.

It was a man I think, wearing a Knuckles the hedgehog costume. He asked if we could say hello in dog, I didn’t know what that meant so I agreed, the next thing I knew his snout was up my shorts. I threw up on this fur suit and he made a soft moaning sound. I immediately ran to the bathroom to hide and maybe watch myself blow vape rings in the mirror until I felt better.

It was in the bathroom that I met HIM. The little bear from FNAF, Freddy I believe it was. He said hi and tried to introduce himself to me but I was so terrified by his vicious gaze that I immediately reached into the pocket of my booty shorts, pulled out a sledgehammer, and started bludgeoning him until he  stopped shaking. 

I don’t think I’ll be returning to TITS for the next 25 years or maybe even for the rest of my life (get it b/c I’m in prison for killing a “person”).