Bay State Debuts New Pink Slime; Grubhub Wait Time Reportedly 5+ Hours

By Ella Corrao

Bay State Underground, known and beloved for its late-night fare and exciting (genuinely baffling) menu additions, has introduced a new contender for the spring semester stoners: the enigmatic “Pink Slime,” coming in at $14.99 and boasting no description of the use that it may present. Dozens of students have tried to unlock its secrets, but the substance remains a mystery to even BU’s brightest minds.

After the 2016 slime Instagram account renaissance, the feedback was somewhat unexpected because, as freshman Shawn said, “No one gives a fuck about slime anymore. So, in all honesty, I don’t get the hype and I never will.”

Shawn was spotted ten minutes later, playing happily with his slime.

Other students seemed downright baffled at the possible use of the item, like Sarah Schann, 18, who tried eating the item. “Everything at Bay State is edible… duhh!!” says Schann.

Unfortunately, students like Schann who have eaten the slime have all experienced explosive diarrhea, studies show. “The slime’s runny texture may allow for it to go down easily, but it’s certainly not coming back out without a fight,” says Dr. Pe Nis. “The slime effectively cleanses the system by clinging to any remaining food particles.”

The slime certainly seems to boast edible upsides; BU’s gym community especially loves the stuff for its “sick macros,” as online reviews describe. Coming in at 200g of protein, many are utilizing the substance as preworkout.

Reports have begun piling in of the slime actually beginning to spread and become sentient, forming together and becoming a sort of huge, terrifying mass. Unfortunately, an incident last Thursday has left the Warren Towers Starbucks completely eaten by the stuff, reports say. Two workers and a student were swallowed up in the struggle and reportedly have yet to be unearthed from the pink horror engulfing the building.