Report: President Brown’s House Would Need to Drown in a Flash Flood Every Seven Seconds For Him to Allow Composting in the Dorms

PSY—A new study from the Boston University Psychology Department revealed that President Brown’s house would need to drown in a flash flood every seven seconds for him to agree to implement compost bins in the dorms.Associate Psychology Professor Herbie Hind built a computer simulation where President Brown’s house was hit by climate-induced natural disasters at various time intervals to determine how they affected his behavior.A flash flood every sixty seconds got him to start carrying a reusable water bottle, every ten seconds saw him take slightly shorter showers, and every three seconds saw him personally tear down every building that isn’t 100% powered by renewable energy and reintroduce the plague to halt unsustainable population growth. Seven seconds was the sweet spot where he demanded a compost bin on every floor of Warren Towers for students to sustainably dispose of food scraps, paper, cardboard, and other compostable waste.The release of the study last week sent shock waves through campus. “I don’t get it, he volunteers to compost in the GSU and dining halls but refuses in the dorms?” pointed out Ted End (CAS ‘21). “It’s like he only puts compost bins where prospective students can see them.”“Ok boomer,” End added.With this information in hand, the BU student body quickly banded together with one goal: flood President Brown’s mansion every seven seconds. President Brown’s agile mind quickly noticed the increased flash floods, but despite the students’ best efforts, the floods only occurred every eight seconds. While swimming for his life, The Bunion asked Brown what he thought about composting in the dorms. “I understand it would save tremendously on landfill waste and carbon emissions, but like, what if they take the lid off and it smells bad?” Brown answered.At press time, students began setting every tree in his yard on fire every eleven seconds to see if he’d decide to make professors stop demanding hard copies of every homework assignment.