Op Ed: I'm Taking My Daddy Issues Out on a Warren Security Guard

Being a college woman can be scary. My family lives really far away in Connecticut. I have my sorority sisters and 70K Instagram followers, but sometimes I need the support that only a cynical, tired, and middle-aged man can provide. I considered going on Seeking Arrangements to find a Sugar Daddy. However, I’m actually very rich. I’m just looking for emotional support. That’s when I met Bernard, the security guard in my building. I entered the lobby at 8pm on a Friday night. Dressed in suede boots and a crop-top (actually my little sister’s pajama shirt, but it looks better on me), I was ready to meet my Tinder date, Matt or something.Bernard was eating a donut and flipping through a magazine. He looked at my outfit and asked: “Are you really going out like that? It’s supposed to snow tonight.”Taken aback by his criticism, I replied sharply: “A hoe never gets cold. Besides, I’m going on a date with this really hot BC guy Matt.”Bernard chuckled and said: “Good luck. But don’t expect him to give you your jacket. I’ve seen a lot of young women like you sign in BC Matts. None of them gentlemen.”I couldn’t get Bernard’s words out of my head all night. He was right! It snowed. Matt didn’t even ask if I was cold. I spent two hours listening to him talk about fantasy football and I got frostbite .When I got back to Warren, Bernard looked at me worriedly. “Your face is blue,” he said.“I’m fine!” I replied, clearly defeated. Then I passed out in the lobby.I woke up in a hospital bed. Bernard sat next to me, eating a donut. “Good! You’re awake.” He said. “I brought you to the hospital last night, after you passed out in the lobby. You’re going to be fine. The doctor said this happens to a lot of people who juice cleanse and then drink fourteen vodka cranberries.” In that moment, I realized what kind eyes he had. Was Bernard kind of… hot?“How can I thank you for taking such good care of me?” I asked. I was definitely flirting with him. All the Matts in the world would never treat me like this. “Can I take you out for coffee and donuts?” “I’d love that,” Bernard said. “But I’m paying. I’ll take you on a real date.He reached for my hand across the hospital bed. “I hope you like dad jokes.” It’s time I stop chasing boys, and start dating men. I’m ready to say ok, Boomer.