Five Reasons BU Is a Death Trap. Number Four Will LITERALLY Kill You!

Boston University is a dangerous place not for the faint-hearted. On tours, prospective students are told that BU is a wonderful school, which it is, but they are rarely warned of the dangers. As far as they know, the only physical danger you face at BU is if you become a tour guide and have to walk backwards.

So as a warning to those naive teens who are considering BU but don’t know the threats it poses, here are the top five causes of death at BU. If they’re too much for you, you can go to a softer school like Harvard, but if you can handle these risks and survive your four years here, you’ll graduate a stronger and tougher individual.

1. Slipping on BU Bridge metal strip.

What exactly is the metal strip for? Nobody knows. Some have argued it’s a booby trap to keep the halves of campus separate, like a border wall but less racist and yuuuge. But whatever its purpose, it’s a slippery metal strip that pedestrians must cross in order to go between East and West campus over the BU Bridge. The strip is responsible for over 50% of the injuries sustained by BU students.

2. Burned by a hot metal bowl in the dining hall.

Some of the best food in the dining halls comes in some of the deadliest containers. Mac and cheese, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti all come in round, shiny metal bowls with handles. You might think the handles are a light suggestion, like the “only take one piece of fruit from the dining hall” sign or discussion sections, but you would be wrong. If you touch the bowl itself, you’ll instantly burn to a crisp.

3. Choking on stray Canada Goose coat feather.

This can happen anywhere, but it’s especially common around Questrom. Those magically puffy jackets protect the wearer from the cold and from appearing likeable, but they pose a threat to everyone around them. If you inhale a single feather from one of these coats, you’re not only likely to choke to death, but you’ll also have to pay $75 to Canada Goose for the cost of the feather.

4. Secondhand smoke inhalation.

Another danger that is most lethal around Questrom. Unsurprising for a school consisting entirely of snakes and vulture capitalists. Walking by Questrom between classes is the equivalent of smoking a pack of cigarettes. If you walk by often enough, your lungs will be 86 years old by the time you graduate.

5. Dying of exposure while waiting for the BU Bus.

Get a Charlie card or learn to walk. Waiting for the BU Bus is a perilous mission you shouldn’t embark on without the proper preparation. Bring a tent, lots of water, and some metal dining hall bowls for warmth. When bright-eyed freshmen come running up to the bus stop, stare them down and tell them to turn back. It may be too late for you, but it’s not for them.